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Overcome Shyness

Body Language

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There has been a lot of research done about how body language affects the way other people perceive us. Move like an confident alpha male and you will very likely have a very different response from other people.

New research from Harvard scientist, Amy Cuddy indicates that small, 2 minute changes in how we move our bodies, actually affects us even to the extent of elevating our testosterone (the hormone of dominance) and lowering cortisol (the stress hormone).

If you are a shy guy you might want to practice moving your body like you are confident and powerful. As Amy Cuddy discovered in her personal journey as well as her research, you can actually “Fake it until you become it.”

Make sure you watch this video all the way to the end and give it a thorough test in your own life.

Any questions?

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How to stop being shy around beautiful women

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It’s Not Just About Approach Anxiety

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angry womanOk. Scot Mckay, Author of“Deserve What You Want” and “The Engineer’s Guide To Being Cooler Than The Sales Guy” is on a freaking roll the last few days… Just like my last post, this one is inspired by one of Scot’s newsletter issues.

I’ll get to “why” in just a moment.

One of the reasons a lot of us guys think we are shy is that we fear rejection associated with approaching women and engaging them in conversation… but the reality goes far deeper. It’s not just approaching women that has the potential to mess with our heads, the entire relationship thing is a minefield of potential bad feelings. And particularly dealing with a woman’s ANGER.

Just like a garden slug will alter it’s course to avoid a pile of salt.

We are hardwired to avoid pain

If you’ve linked up pain to any aspect of dating and relationships check this out…. and let me know if you can relate

Does this scenario feel familer?

You finally get up the guts to approach a woman who (gasp!) actually seems to like you. Either she flat out takes the initiative or she makes it easy and safe for you to do it.

So Far So Good….

You two go at and and get into it and in the first blush of love all is groovy…. until suddenly she confronts you about something you did or didn’t do that you had better fix right now ( or kiss sex goodbye).

Maybe you left the toilet seat up. Maybe you burped without covering your mouth. Maybe you said something that you didn’t intend to be offensive but she sure got offended. The ice in the room is palpable. You are suddenly facing an angry woman. But you didn’t do anything to intentionally piss her off.

You think I’m kidding?

In one of my relationships (that lasted a miserable two years) I experienced this:

  • We were getting hot and heavy sexually when she stops and demands that I go wash my hands and scrub under my fingernails because she didn’t want to get an infection. Now, if I was a diesel mechanic,garbage man or undertaker I could understand that but, a. I had just taken a shower. b. I’m a writer, therapist, musician. My hands are usually pretty clean. And I wash them fairly frequently with soap (and I do dishes. Uh huh. Yup). But instead of telling her to go to hell. Or just laughing at her like she was “cute”. I dutifully got up washed my hands… I would do anything to avoid that anger stuff… :o(
  • I was drinking some fizzy vitamin C stuff and it made me burp. I was being silly with the burps and having fun. She was offended and disgusted and told me so in no uncertain terms  So after that I made a serious attempt to cover my burps and be all polite. I should have laughed at her and busted her on it. I should have burped “I love you” right in her face and grabbed her and carried to the bedroom and had my way with her… but shit, I didn’t want to jeopardize sex… so I tried to comply. Big mistake. (we will address compliance tests women give men in a whole other article)
  • We usually ate organic chicken. Expensive but worth it. One day the store was out and since I was there, I got “natural” chicken just this one time…. Boom! that set her off into a tirade and a rant about the abuse of chickens and not being able to trust the labels of grocery store chickens vs. the local chickens from the health food store (that cost $18.00 bucks a pound)….This time I DID tell her she was full of shit and she later apologized. THAT felt good.

The bottom line is, you have that sinking feeling in your gut that makes you want to either run away or do anything you can to make her angry disapproval stop.

So you apologize and make a greater effort to be better next time….(at least that’s what I have always done).

The storm blows over…. for awhile

But maybe at some point you’ve moved in with her. (Her place right?) Now you have to play by her rules and if you don’t she will make you suffer.

Now for how long you put up with this as it gets progressively worse is anyone’s guess. I have gone through similar hell scenarios for years.

Eventually if you are working on your “stuff” and learning how to step into your masculine energy and empowerment, You will start calling her on her shit. That’s good. But it is likely that she will not change. She liked you better when she could boss you around (even though she secretly wished you would exhibit the kind of masculine leadership that she craves.  – subject for another article)

So you eventually step in to your power and leave the relationship.

You break up with her.

She goes in to shock. No guy has ever broken up with HER. She’s the one who is used to dumping guys. She begs you to reconsider… She turns on all the charm again. She is suddenly willing to have sex any way you want it.

This is dangerous territory.

I’ve been sucked back in so many times that I am embarrassed to admit it. But if you stick to your guns you will soon get to experience her being really, really, really pissed off at you.

This is good.

You need practice realizing that it’s not necessarily a bad thing

She will call you every name in the book. She will accuse you of everything that horrible, evil men have ever done to poor innocent women over the centuries. She will HATE you.

And then, you may have a realization after moving out that you are really, really lonely…. and suddenly she’s not mad any more, she realizes what she did that caused you to want to leave and she’s really sorry. She may even apologize and invite you to come over…. or she may show up at your door in tears sobbing that you are “the one”.

“We can make this work!” she’ll say. “I’ll be better.”

and if you aren’t strong you will cave in and get trapped again…. The same pattern will just repeat.

Now.

Sorry to paint such a grim picture. But doesn’t being shy now make so much sense? It protects you from this crap.

Don’t you see that it’s not just about the approach anxiety? It’s about the entire relationship thing. It can be emotionally exhausting and traumatic for a person (male or female) who has any level of sensitivity. For a quiet, shy, introverted, guy this stuff can just blow your circuits and cause havoc with your Halo score… or anything you are into.

But the bright note is this: Once you learn some basic self care tools and have the ability to take charge of your own internal representations of meaning, you can turn any “unpleasant” experience with a woman (or anyone else you perceive of as powerful),  into a vital, transformational experience that leaves you many levels up on everyone else.

Being able to break up with a woman like a man means not being frightened by or sucked in to her anger. It means being gentle but firm. It means taking responsibility for your own shit without wallowing in it.

But here’s where having good approach and conversational skills is vital: It also means that you HAVE to have the tools you need in order to start seeing other women as soon as possible. Because if you have other options that are positive for you, you will  be far less likely to be manipulated by your ex’s guilt trips, anger and tears.

By breaking up with her, you took the initiative in taking care of you. That is some hard shit. Seriously. But you did it!

I started focusing on this phrase: If I truly love myself what would I do? And also, “What would I do if I was a powerful attractive man?”

It’s kind of like “What would Jesus do?” but instead you might want to use a different role model. “What would George Clooney do?” “What would Brad Pitt do?”  Fill in the blank with a guy you admire.

Now to Scot Mckay. He wrote about breaking up in his daily newsletter and I think you might benefit from hearing his thoughts because he is not just about “meeting chicks in bars” like so many other dating coaches.

Scot Mckay is all about how to show up as a man in the highest sense of that word.

And let me admit publicly here that 4 years ago Scot Mckay freaking saved my life. I was in a really crazy relationship that was just destroying me. And I booked a 1 on 1 session with him. It helped me to get free.

And his newsletter this morning helped me to reflect back on the journey I’ve been on, that while not always comfortable or pain free, has enabled me to re-create myself into a person I actually enjoy being with  whether I’m with women or flying solo. :o)

The point that I want to make deep into your unconscious mind is this…

Getting over your shyness or approach anxiety is the “surface issue.”

It seems like such a problem doesn’t it? It seems like it’s the reason you are lonely. But the reality is you never got the manual on how to truly step in to your masculine nature in the best sense of the word. In fact, becoming the kind of man who you truly want to be in all areas of your life is the real issue isn’t it?

If you were the guy you long to be, women would notice wouldn’t they? Your boss would notice. You would be doing what you love to do and being someone you love being.

Every single day.

You would not tolerate bullshit from anyone. Not even a beautiful woman. I dare you to begin and take some kind of action today on your own behalf.

Have a great day!

If NOW is the right time to take action click the button below…

How to stop being shy around beautiful women

Got questions? I have answers and I want you to have them, so…

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Domineering Ex Has Put Me Off Women

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I got this email the other day from “Sam” (not his real name).

He is struggling with shyness, self sabotage and a domineering ex.

With Sam’s permission – instead of answering his email personally so that only he gets the benefit I thought it would be a good idea to answer it here so more guys with shyness issues can get the benefit

Sam’s email message…

Hi, i am a shy 44 year old Guy who was dating a very attractive lady the same age and so much in common you could say we were a near perfect match.

Being shy I was scared at times to tell her exactly what I wanted and so was she, we ended up parting ways. She sends me messages explaining how she feels and loves me and would like to be with me only, I have sent her mixed messages in the past and felt like I was stringing her along so I totally started to ignore her…

She is a beautiful woman but i am just not feeling it.

My ex wife has played a contributing factor in this as she is very demanding and dominant as has put me off women for life. By letting my ex have this control over me have I destroyed the best thing that had ever happened to me.

I feel I create self sabotage and have hurt the innocent lady involved so much.

What should I do to make things better?

Being shy makes it more difficult to do the right thing for all concerned.

I have also been rather horrible to the lovely lady more than once refusing to meet her children or even visit her home when she was prepared to make huge sacrifices just to be with me.  She was nearly the exact opposite to the ex… I know I already have huge regrets about some of my actions and decisions.

I could write a book in response to this.

First of all I feel this guy’s pain.

  • No one teaches us guys how to deal with all the conflicting emotions that dating and relationships bring up.
  • No one teaches us shy guys in particular how to speak our truth in a way that is honest yet not hurtful.
  • No one teaches us how to own our own patterns and emotional issues or how to allow a woman to own her “stuff.”
  • No one teaches us shy guys how to step into our “masculine” or “dominant” (not domineering) energy. Because it is often all we know, we tend to attract women who play the dominant role.
  • No one is teaching guys really how to change the self limiting beliefs that are constantly running in the background of your unconscious mind…. the place where “self-sabotage” is actually happening.

What I see with the huge number of men who struggle with shyness and dating is not just approach anxiety or the inability to strike up conversations with attractive women, I see a massive powerlessness that poisons their every waking moment. There is a helpless, hopeless confusion that is devastating.

I can’t honestly give the solution to Sam’s dilemma (or yours) in a single blog post. In the time constraints I have the best I can do is point out how I would approach helping him (and you).

Firstly, identify the patterns or “programs” causing the problem and replace them with something more empowering that works to get you want you want.
I don’t know if you grew up in a household with a dominant mother. I did. My dad did too. One of Sam’s challenges is a “domineering and demanding” ex.

There is nothing wrong with women being powerful and self actualized. I think we all need to be. This is not in any way a complaint about women, feminism or equal rights. We have a lot of gender confusion these days.

Shy guys tend to be shy for a lot of very good reasons.

We tend to get into relationships with women who take the initiative which we as shy men have relinquished. On the unconscious level we are recreating our relationships with our mothers. This can be cleared.

Changing your limiting beliefs about yourself and your own power is something you can change quite rapidly and profoundly with NLP, Hypnosis and EFT. I do this every day in my private practice. I teach this in my training courses, which means I have seen countless people actually stop doing the self sabotage and stop running on auto-pilot according to their old “default” programming. They say that for an experiment to be scientific, it has to be repeatable. The techniques I use for personal transformation ARE. I’ve used them and I’ve seen others use them and get the same results.

Secondly, learn and practice a new set of skills that support the new belief system. Learning to be a dominant (but not domineering) man is a learn-able skill set.

the Problem with most dating tips or dating coaches is that they only have this second approach. They have a bunch of techniques they can teach you. What to say in a bar. What to say in a book store etc. But if you don’t address the deeper core beliefs and issues you can learn all the “how to approach women” skills in the world but you won’t actually take action. When you change the inner core beliefs then you don’t need a whole lot of skills because you will show up as the kind of man that women are craving. Don’t get me wrong skills are still helpful. I’m still learning every day. Women are an endless source of learning opportunities believe me! (and it’s WONDERFUL!)

Now a couple specific things Sam and other shy guys actually have going for them.

Sending mixed messages. I’m not condoning being a jerk. But women love to try to figure out the “signals” a man is sending. I get emails all the time from women who fancy a shy guy. They are fascinated with not knowing what he is thinking! The biggest mistake most of us men make is to put all our cards on the table. Think about a kitten and a piece of yarn. When you keep pulling it back, the kitten keeps chasing. The minute you let the cat have the yarn. It loses interest. so inadvertently Sam was providing some mixed messages that “strung” her along. Now. Women will forgive behaviors that men engage in up to a certain point.  And I am not advocating “Toying” with women’s emotions.  Just trying to point out that Sam is not a total goner.

Beating Yourself Up. The worst thing Sam is doing is beating himself up. Even choosing a domineering and demanding woman is a form of self abuse. We create our own realities with our thoughts, beliefs and actions. He also has some powerful limiting beliefs like his regret. If you believe you will never be able to be in a healthy relationship with a beautiful woman, guess what? You will create that. If you believe that your ex turned you off women for life. Well, that not only makes you a victim but it’s a pretty grim and lonely life sentence.  Those beliefs are not true. No beliefs are. Even positive beliefs may or may not be true. That doesn’t matter. what does matter is that beliefs are a powerful lens through which we see and create our world.

Change your beliefs and your life will change. Most other dating coaches just tell you “Change your beliefs” almost none actually teach you how. Or if they do teach how to change a belief, it is basically the old “say this affirmation every day for 30 days” technique that nobody actually carries through on… I have techniques that take only a few minutes. I also have techniques that can blow out entire clusters of limiting beliefs at one time.

Now I know a lot of you guys out there could use help with this. But are you willing to actually commit your financial resources to changing this painful area of your life?

When I work with guys one on one I charge $150 per hour.

Typically we can blast through what we need to in 10 hours or less. So you are looking at $1,500 (btw, my cutting edge video programs are MUCH more affordable)…

But what if there was a step by step video, audio, and e-book course online that would walk you through the same process? Would you be willing to invest in that? How much?

Today’s email I think finally put me over the edge.

I know what it’s like to suffer this shyness and powerlessness and frustration with relating to women and not being able to step into my power and masculinity in the best sense of those words. I’ve been there and done that. It sucks.

As a practitioner of NLP, Hypnosis, Time Line and EFT I have powerful tools that actually work…Fast. Developing skill set’s may take time, But clearing the blocks that keep you from developing the skills can happen rapidly and allow you to reap the benefits for the rest of your life.

And it is never too late. One of my female friends was just sharing with me the other day how she met this 70 year old guy who was HOT! My friend is in her early 50’s. What does this guy have that you don’t? He may have skills but the key to his mojo is his belief system.  He believes women are attracted to him. His belief constructs his reality. His reality reinforces his belief system. It’s a positive loop.

Chances are YOU are stuck in a negative loop

You believe you are powerless or a loser with women so all you see is evidence of that which reinforces the limiting belief. Change the belief and the focus and it clears the way to learn the skills that reinforce the positive even more.

Please drop me a note! I want to hear what your number one challenge with women is so that I can create an affordable online course that hits the nail on the head.  Use the handy form below! Thanks

If NOW is the right time to take action click the button below…

How to stop being shy around beautiful women

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What Ross Jeffries Gets That Other Dating Gurus Don’t

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Ross Jeffries Home page screen shotI just have to share a quick thought with you this morning. I’m a big fan of Ross Jeffries because he is excellent.

I plug his stuff shamelessly here for several reasons

  1. He models the boldness, brashness and audacity that women secretly love.
  2. He is completely his own man. You may not like him or agree with him on everything he says but he’s not going to change to placate you.
  3. He is DEEP.

I have to admit I was at first a bit resistant to Ross. But after checking out a bunch of other programs for help with breaking the ice and having conversations with women that led to more than “Just Friends”. I was still stuck. I have to admit I was a bit desperate when I decided to check out his basic speed seduction program.

I was blown away by the quality and the power of his approach. I started using his methods and got results right away.

Here’s an example from his blog post today.

The Power Of Letting It Go by Ross Jeffries

“Too often, we are taught that to get something we really want or a change we really want in ourselves, we have to constantly think about it, keeping our “goal” in the front of our mind.

In other words, we’re taught to “get psyched“.

This over-motivation is a load of crap that just keeps people stuck.

You have to find the proper level of motivation to create change, and that involves knowing when to just dismiss it from your mind and let it go.

It’s sort of like baking cookies in an oven.

If you put the dough in the oven but keep opening the oven door every 30 seconds to check if the cookies are done, they will never get finished!

In fact, this constant thinking if you are progressing or not or if it is working is just another form of doubt. You see, “hope” and “doubt” are really the same thing. They both involve uncertainty…”

This is a perfect example of How Brilliantly Ross Jeffries communicates.

In an extremely few words he first identifies a common pattern of thinking that we tend to not question. Then he challenges it, turns it upside down and inside out so we can see what bullshit we’ve been fed all our lives… then he uses a simple illustration (continually checking to see if the cookies are done) which your unconscious mind can literally grab onto to “get” what he’s explaining. He then redefines the limiting pattern or belief and challenges you to take action.

That’s why Ross Jeffries blows the other guys away.

To get  his free newsletter just Let Go Of Your Doubts and click the link below:

If NOW is the right time to take action click the button below…

How to stop being shy around beautiful women

Got questions? I have answers and I want you to have them, so…

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What Is Approach Anxiety?

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We hear the term a lot in the world of men, young and old…

Approach Anxiety

What is it? In it’s simplest form it is the anxiety felt by guys at the prospect of walking up to a woman and saying “hi!”.

Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it?

Dating and Seduction Guru Ross Jeffries tells the story of a friend of his who is an Air Traffic Controller. Cool as can be faced with dozens of airplanes full of people flying towards his airport control tower, he is powerful and in control. Put a beautiful woman in front of him and he goes to pieces. Hands tremble. Voice cracks. Feels sick to his stomach. The whole panic attack physiological response as if he is gonna die!

This is so much of a problem that a billion dollar industry was born.

This is great because somehow we guys are brought up in this culture mostly clueless as to how to interact with women in a way that is authentic and comfortable for both sexes.

The guys that seem to get the chicks are in many ways vastly inferior to what many good (but shy) men have to offer. The difference is that the “jerks” don’t really care what women think of them. They aren’t afraid of rejection. So they just wade in to the “shark infested waters” of approaching women and get the job done. Unfortunately they leave a lot of hurt and pissed off women in their wake. But they don’t take it personally because they do not care.

We don’t want to be like those bullies or jerks…

But we still want to be with awesome, hot, sexy women.

The shy guy in contrast to the “jerk”  is standing in the wings worried about what she will think. Worried about what the other people in the immediate vicinity will think. He’s worried about what to say. He’s worried about what not to say. He’s running movies in his mind of her snarling at him or humiliating him or just not responding.

Sometimes overcoming shyness is a painfully long process. But it doesn’t have to be.

One key ingredient in creating a shift in yourself is to examine what you are making things mean. In other words, if you say “hi” to an attractive woman and can’t think of anything else to say, you make it mean you are a “failure” a “loser.” You say harsh and critical things to yourself.

If another guy says “hi” to a woman and then crashes and burns, he pats himself on the back and gives himself credit for making progress.

Does that make sense?

BTW This is a Law of personal transformation. It applies in every area of your life. If you are moving out of your comfort zone and beat yourself up for everything you don’t do perfectly you will never make progress. I see this a lot with the anxiety sufferers I work with (both men and women).  The clients of mine who make the most progress the fastest are quick to learn how to be gentle with themselves in their learning curve.

Think about this. When you were learning to walk, you fell down. A lot. You didn’t curse yourself out or get depressed. You just freaking got back up and gave it another shot.

That’s a key point.

How can you take “baby steps” with this approach anxiety stuff that has your guts all twisted around?

One place to start is by saying “hi!” to everyone. And I mean EVERYONE. Everywhere you go. Make it a practice to say “hi”. Keep a record of how many times you said hi each day.

Once you get to the place where you can comfortably be the guy who is friendly to everyone.

If you can’t get yourself to say “hi” then you need some one on one coaching from me or you may need to get my Crush Anxiety program and learn the 7 key techniques that can blast any kind of anxiety (not just approach anxiety) in a few short minutes.

The bottom line is that you do not have to be miserable and alone. You can stop suffering today. So take some positive action step right now. Today. It’s simple. Just say “hi”…

If you are reading this in a coffee shop get up off your butt and go say “hi” to somebody right now.

Got it? Good. Do it.

If NOW is the right time to take action click the button below…

How to stop being shy around beautiful women

Got questions? I have answers and I want you to have them, so…

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5 Tips To Overcoming Shyness In The Check Out Line

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I’m a member of a natural foods co-op and part of my member hours is to help the customers bag their groceries.

I chose this job because it gives me lots of opportunities to interact and even flirt with lots of attractive, healthy women as they are checking out.

It’s a moment where they are paused and there are lots of non-threatening things to chat about like what they’re going to make with the veggies they’re buying or if the protein powder they’re getting is part of a training regimen for a marathon etc.

Please Note: I’m currently in a wonderful relationship, but as a former painfully shy guy it’s just a blast to see how far I’ve come and to keep practicing my people skills. The other key factor is that I don’t need anything from any of these women.

I am just there to have fun and be helpful and even entertaining, so it takes the pressure off.

And that’s a key attitude to have as you begin to change the internal program called “Being Shy Around Women.” It also helps me to stay in a place of positive empowerment with my girlfriend because I’m not with her out of desperation. Perhaps a separate post about that some day…

Anyway, last week one of the cashiers at the Co-op, a young 20 something guy (who so totally is like YOU even if you’re 40) expressed his admiration for how relaxed and confident I was chatting up the ladies. He said, “I get all flustered and awkward and I don’t know what to say or do. I’d like a girlfriend but I have no idea how to get a girlfriend.”

So for him, and for the rest of you guys out there, some helpful tips. The most important tip is to practice the following tips with EVERYONE. Not just the attractive women. Do it with old ladies,  old guys, couples, moms, fat chicks, skinny chicks, little kids.  Keep in mind that you are the host of the party.  If someone doesn’t respond positively to you remind yourself that they’re just having a bad day.

It’s not about you.

So here are my tips to help you overcome shyness with women in any situation, like a check out line or waiting room.

5 tips to Overcome Shyness with Women

1. Smile and say hi!

Yeah that’s it. Just do it.

This was one of the first things I did years ago and it worked like a charm. I would just say hi and continue on my way. It always made MY day so much more enjoyable and probably brought a little light into some other folk’s lives as well.

2. Notice and make a comment about something obvious

Example: The shy guy cashier I mentioned above was wearing a black and white striped shirt. One of the women who was checking out was wearing a similar striped shirt of the exact opposite to his. His was white stripes on a black background hers was black stripes on a white background.

I simply pointed it out. “Hey you two match!” We all smiled and chuckled a bit about that.

He could have done that just as easily.

3. Be Playful

The world is too damn serious. People’s lives are full of serious stuff. Help them lighten up a bit.

One caution here is to not over do it and become a buffoon. For example, one attractive woman was purchasing some cut flowers. I said, “Oh THANK you SOOO much for getting those for me!” She laughed and said, “Sorry I’m getting them for ME!” We had a nice conversation about flowers and I made sure to mention my girlfriend so that she would realize that I was not “hitting” on her.

But if I wasn’t in a relationship I would have said, “too bad we can’t talk more, you seem like a cool person to get to know and I’m new in the area…” No supplication, but offering a challenge… (thank you Ross Jeffries)

Another example involves a woman who had a really short buzz cut and I asked her if I could feel the back of her head! Her boyfriend had a buzz cut too (hadn’t noticed him!) so I ended up being silly with both of them and comparing his buzz cut to hers.

His was sharp and bristly hers was soooo soft…. ;o)

4. Ask a question about a piece of jewelry or clothing she is wearing

Example: “Cool necklace! What’s the story behind that?”

There is almost always a story and it is usually positive because otherwise she wouldn’t be wearing it.  I’ve had  few women say. “Oh no story. I just saw it and liked it and bought it.” In which case you could offer some alternate story that would be fun and whimsical like: “oh that’s too bad…I had this whole image of you finding it in the middle of the desert after an incredible quest and adventure…”

5. Be the one having the most fun there

Your own internal world is the most important piece of this.

It took me a lot of practice to stop taking myself so seriously and to stop worrying about what other people were thinking about me. The main attitude you have to develop is playfulness and the willingness to learn about other people. If you are in a state of joy and curiosity they will follow your lead.

So there you have it. Five strategies to use the next time you are standing in line at the grocery store or working at your job as a bagger… It COULD be the best job you’ve ever had.

Tired of being clobbered by shyness around the women you’d most like to get to know?

How to stop being shy around beautiful women

Or if you want a bunch of awesome techniques to approach, pick up and seduce women after you’ve overcome shyness…

Got questions? I have answers and I want you to have them, so…

Let’s talk