Ok. Scot Mckay, Author of“Deserve What You Want” and “The Engineer’s Guide To Being Cooler Than The Sales Guy” is on a freaking roll the last few days… Just like my last post, this one is inspired by one of Scot’s newsletter issues.
I’ll get to “why” in just a moment.
One of the reasons a lot of us guys think we are shy is that we fear rejection associated with approaching women and engaging them in conversation… but the reality goes far deeper. It’s not just approaching women that has the potential to mess with our heads, the entire relationship thing is a minefield of potential bad feelings. And particularly dealing with a woman’s ANGER.
Just like a garden slug will alter it’s course to avoid a pile of salt.
We are hardwired to avoid pain
If you’ve linked up pain to any aspect of dating and relationships check this out…. and let me know if you can relate
Does this scenario feel familer?
You finally get up the guts to approach a woman who (gasp!) actually seems to like you. Either she flat out takes the initiative or she makes it easy and safe for you to do it.
So Far So Good….
You two go at and and get into it and in the first blush of love all is groovy…. until suddenly she confronts you about something you did or didn’t do that you had better fix right now ( or kiss sex goodbye).
Maybe you left the toilet seat up. Maybe you burped without covering your mouth. Maybe you said something that you didn’t intend to be offensive but she sure got offended. The ice in the room is palpable. You are suddenly facing an angry woman. But you didn’t do anything to intentionally piss her off.
You think I’m kidding?
In one of my relationships (that lasted a miserable two years) I experienced this:
- We were getting hot and heavy sexually when she stops and demands that I go wash my hands and scrub under my fingernails because she didn’t want to get an infection. Now, if I was a diesel mechanic,garbage man or undertaker I could understand that but, a. I had just taken a shower. b. I’m a writer, therapist, musician. My hands are usually pretty clean. And I wash them fairly frequently with soap (and I do dishes. Uh huh. Yup). But instead of telling her to go to hell. Or just laughing at her like she was “cute”. I dutifully got up washed my hands… I would do anything to avoid that anger stuff… :o(
- I was drinking some fizzy vitamin C stuff and it made me burp. I was being silly with the burps and having fun. She was offended and disgusted and told me so in no uncertain terms So after that I made a serious attempt to cover my burps and be all polite. I should have laughed at her and busted her on it. I should have burped “I love you” right in her face and grabbed her and carried to the bedroom and had my way with her… but shit, I didn’t want to jeopardize sex… so I tried to comply. Big mistake. (we will address compliance tests women give men in a whole other article)
- We usually ate organic chicken. Expensive but worth it. One day the store was out and since I was there, I got “natural” chicken just this one time…. Boom! that set her off into a tirade and a rant about the abuse of chickens and not being able to trust the labels of grocery store chickens vs. the local chickens from the health food store (that cost $18.00 bucks a pound)….This time I DID tell her she was full of shit and she later apologized. THAT felt good.
The bottom line is, you have that sinking feeling in your gut that makes you want to either run away or do anything you can to make her angry disapproval stop.
So you apologize and make a greater effort to be better next time….(at least that’s what I have always done).
The storm blows over…. for awhile
But maybe at some point you’ve moved in with her. (Her place right?) Now you have to play by her rules and if you don’t she will make you suffer.
Now for how long you put up with this as it gets progressively worse is anyone’s guess. I have gone through similar hell scenarios for years.
Eventually if you are working on your “stuff” and learning how to step into your masculine energy and empowerment, You will start calling her on her shit. That’s good. But it is likely that she will not change. She liked you better when she could boss you around (even though she secretly wished you would exhibit the kind of masculine leadership that she craves. – subject for another article)
So you eventually step in to your power and leave the relationship.
You break up with her.
She goes in to shock. No guy has ever broken up with HER. She’s the one who is used to dumping guys. She begs you to reconsider… She turns on all the charm again. She is suddenly willing to have sex any way you want it.
This is dangerous territory.
I’ve been sucked back in so many times that I am embarrassed to admit it. But if you stick to your guns you will soon get to experience her being really, really, really pissed off at you.
This is good.
You need practice realizing that it’s not necessarily a bad thing
She will call you every name in the book. She will accuse you of everything that horrible, evil men have ever done to poor innocent women over the centuries. She will HATE you.
And then, you may have a realization after moving out that you are really, really lonely…. and suddenly she’s not mad any more, she realizes what she did that caused you to want to leave and she’s really sorry. She may even apologize and invite you to come over…. or she may show up at your door in tears sobbing that you are “the one”.
“We can make this work!” she’ll say. “I’ll be better.”
and if you aren’t strong you will cave in and get trapped again…. The same pattern will just repeat.
Sorry to paint such a grim picture. But doesn’t being shy now make so much sense? It protects you from this crap.
Don’t you see that it’s not just about the approach anxiety? It’s about the entire relationship thing. It can be emotionally exhausting and traumatic for a person (male or female) who has any level of sensitivity. For a quiet, shy, introverted, guy this stuff can just blow your circuits and cause havoc with your Halo score… or anything you are into.
But the bright note is this: Once you learn some basic self care tools and have the ability to take charge of your own internal representations of meaning, you can turn any “unpleasant” experience with a woman (or anyone else you perceive of as powerful), into a vital, transformational experience that leaves you many levels up on everyone else.
Being able to break up with a woman like a man means not being frightened by or sucked in to her anger. It means being gentle but firm. It means taking responsibility for your own shit without wallowing in it.
But here’s where having good approach and conversational skills is vital: It also means that you HAVE to have the tools you need in order to start seeing other women as soon as possible. Because if you have other options that are positive for you, you will be far less likely to be manipulated by your ex’s guilt trips, anger and tears.
By breaking up with her, you took the initiative in taking care of you. That is some hard shit. Seriously. But you did it!
I started focusing on this phrase: If I truly love myself what would I do? And also, “What would I do if I was a powerful attractive man?”
It’s kind of like “What would Jesus do?” but instead you might want to use a different role model. “What would George Clooney do?” “What would Brad Pitt do?” Fill in the blank with a guy you admire.
Now to Scot Mckay. He wrote about breaking up in his daily newsletter and I think you might benefit from hearing his thoughts because he is not just about “meeting chicks in bars” like so many other dating coaches.
Scot Mckay is all about how to show up as a man in the highest sense of that word.
And let me admit publicly here that 4 years ago Scot Mckay freaking saved my life. I was in a really crazy relationship that was just destroying me. And I booked a 1 on 1 session with him. It helped me to get free.
And his newsletter this morning helped me to reflect back on the journey I’ve been on, that while not always comfortable or pain free, has enabled me to re-create myself into a person I actually enjoy being with whether I’m with women or flying solo. :o)
The point that I want to make deep into your unconscious mind is this…
Getting over your shyness or approach anxiety is the “surface issue.”
It seems like such a problem doesn’t it? It seems like it’s the reason you are lonely. But the reality is you never got the manual on how to truly step in to your masculine nature in the best sense of the word. In fact, becoming the kind of man who you truly want to be in all areas of your life is the real issue isn’t it?
If you were the guy you long to be, women would notice wouldn’t they? Your boss would notice. You would be doing what you love to do and being someone you love being.
Every single day.
You would not tolerate bullshit from anyone. Not even a beautiful woman. I dare you to begin and take some kind of action today on your own behalf.
Have a great day!
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