I got this email the other day from “Sam” (not his real name).
He is struggling with shyness, self sabotage and a domineering ex.
With Sam’s permission – instead of answering his email personally so that only he gets the benefit I thought it would be a good idea to answer it here so more guys with shyness issues can get the benefit
Sam’s email message…
Hi, i am a shy 44 year old Guy who was dating a very attractive lady the same age and so much in common you could say we were a near perfect match.
Being shy I was scared at times to tell her exactly what I wanted and so was she, we ended up parting ways. She sends me messages explaining how she feels and loves me and would like to be with me only, I have sent her mixed messages in the past and felt like I was stringing her along so I totally started to ignore her…
She is a beautiful woman but i am just not feeling it.
My ex wife has played a contributing factor in this as she is very demanding and dominant as has put me off women for life. By letting my ex have this control over me have I destroyed the best thing that had ever happened to me.
I feel I create self sabotage and have hurt the innocent lady involved so much.
What should I do to make things better?
Being shy makes it more difficult to do the right thing for all concerned.
I have also been rather horrible to the lovely lady more than once refusing to meet her children or even visit her home when she was prepared to make huge sacrifices just to be with me. She was nearly the exact opposite to the ex… I know I already have huge regrets about some of my actions and decisions.
I could write a book in response to this.
First of all I feel this guy’s pain.
- No one teaches us guys how to deal with all the conflicting emotions that dating and relationships bring up.
- No one teaches us shy guys in particular how to speak our truth in a way that is honest yet not hurtful.
- No one teaches us how to own our own patterns and emotional issues or how to allow a woman to own her “stuff.”
- No one teaches us shy guys how to step into our “masculine” or “dominant” (not domineering) energy. Because it is often all we know, we tend to attract women who play the dominant role.
- No one is teaching guys really how to change the self limiting beliefs that are constantly running in the background of your unconscious mind…. the place where “self-sabotage” is actually happening.
What I see with the huge number of men who struggle with shyness and dating is not just approach anxiety or the inability to strike up conversations with attractive women, I see a massive powerlessness that poisons their every waking moment. There is a helpless, hopeless confusion that is devastating.
I can’t honestly give the solution to Sam’s dilemma (or yours) in a single blog post. In the time constraints I have the best I can do is point out how I would approach helping him (and you).
Firstly, identify the patterns or “programs” causing the problem and replace them with something more empowering that works to get you want you want.
I don’t know if you grew up in a household with a dominant mother. I did. My dad did too. One of Sam’s challenges is a “domineering and demanding” ex.
There is nothing wrong with women being powerful and self actualized. I think we all need to be. This is not in any way a complaint about women, feminism or equal rights. We have a lot of gender confusion these days.
Shy guys tend to be shy for a lot of very good reasons.
We tend to get into relationships with women who take the initiative which we as shy men have relinquished. On the unconscious level we are recreating our relationships with our mothers. This can be cleared.
Changing your limiting beliefs about yourself and your own power is something you can change quite rapidly and profoundly with NLP, Hypnosis and EFT. I do this every day in my private practice. I teach this in my training courses, which means I have seen countless people actually stop doing the self sabotage and stop running on auto-pilot according to their old “default” programming. They say that for an experiment to be scientific, it has to be repeatable. The techniques I use for personal transformation ARE. I’ve used them and I’ve seen others use them and get the same results.
Secondly, learn and practice a new set of skills that support the new belief system. Learning to be a dominant (but not domineering) man is a learn-able skill set.
the Problem with most dating tips or dating coaches is that they only have this second approach. They have a bunch of techniques they can teach you. What to say in a bar. What to say in a book store etc. But if you don’t address the deeper core beliefs and issues you can learn all the “how to approach women” skills in the world but you won’t actually take action. When you change the inner core beliefs then you don’t need a whole lot of skills because you will show up as the kind of man that women are craving. Don’t get me wrong skills are still helpful. I’m still learning every day. Women are an endless source of learning opportunities believe me! (and it’s WONDERFUL!)
Now a couple specific things Sam and other shy guys actually have going for them.
Sending mixed messages. I’m not condoning being a jerk. But women love to try to figure out the “signals” a man is sending. I get emails all the time from women who fancy a shy guy. They are fascinated with not knowing what he is thinking! The biggest mistake most of us men make is to put all our cards on the table. Think about a kitten and a piece of yarn. When you keep pulling it back, the kitten keeps chasing. The minute you let the cat have the yarn. It loses interest. so inadvertently Sam was providing some mixed messages that “strung” her along. Now. Women will forgive behaviors that men engage in up to a certain point. And I am not advocating “Toying” with women’s emotions. Just trying to point out that Sam is not a total goner.
Beating Yourself Up. The worst thing Sam is doing is beating himself up. Even choosing a domineering and demanding woman is a form of self abuse. We create our own realities with our thoughts, beliefs and actions. He also has some powerful limiting beliefs like his regret. If you believe you will never be able to be in a healthy relationship with a beautiful woman, guess what? You will create that. If you believe that your ex turned you off women for life. Well, that not only makes you a victim but it’s a pretty grim and lonely life sentence. Those beliefs are not true. No beliefs are. Even positive beliefs may or may not be true. That doesn’t matter. what does matter is that beliefs are a powerful lens through which we see and create our world.
Change your beliefs and your life will change. Most other dating coaches just tell you “Change your beliefs” almost none actually teach you how. Or if they do teach how to change a belief, it is basically the old “say this affirmation every day for 30 days” technique that nobody actually carries through on… I have techniques that take only a few minutes. I also have techniques that can blow out entire clusters of limiting beliefs at one time.
Now I know a lot of you guys out there could use help with this. But are you willing to actually commit your financial resources to changing this painful area of your life?
When I work with guys one on one I charge $150 per hour.
Typically we can blast through what we need to in 10 hours or less. So you are looking at $1,500 (btw, my cutting edge video programs are MUCH more affordable)…
But what if there was a step by step video, audio, and e-book course online that would walk you through the same process? Would you be willing to invest in that? How much?
Today’s email I think finally put me over the edge.
I know what it’s like to suffer this shyness and powerlessness and frustration with relating to women and not being able to step into my power and masculinity in the best sense of those words. I’ve been there and done that. It sucks.
As a practitioner of NLP, Hypnosis, Time Line and EFT I have powerful tools that actually work…Fast. Developing skill set’s may take time, But clearing the blocks that keep you from developing the skills can happen rapidly and allow you to reap the benefits for the rest of your life.
And it is never too late. One of my female friends was just sharing with me the other day how she met this 70 year old guy who was HOT! My friend is in her early 50’s. What does this guy have that you don’t? He may have skills but the key to his mojo is his belief system. He believes women are attracted to him. His belief constructs his reality. His reality reinforces his belief system. It’s a positive loop.
Chances are YOU are stuck in a negative loop
You believe you are powerless or a loser with women so all you see is evidence of that which reinforces the limiting belief. Change the belief and the focus and it clears the way to learn the skills that reinforce the positive even more.
Please drop me a note! I want to hear what your number one challenge with women is so that I can create an affordable online course that hits the nail on the head. Use the handy form below! Thanks
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How to stop being shy around beautiful women
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