Overcome Shyness

Think You Have Girl Attraction Problems?

April 6, 2011 by Mark Shepard

I got an email from one of my readers recently who revealed that he had some physical challenges when it comes to being attractive to women.

A few minutes later when I was checking the views on Youtube on my song, “Together We Can Change The World” I noticed a video by this guy Nick Vujicic. If this guy can get out there and be a force for positive love in the world you can too.

I mean that with deep love and respect for you and the struggle you’ve been going through trying to overcome shyness and approach anxiety in order to meet women.

Let me know what you think below the video….

How to stop being shy around beautiful women

If you are painfully shy and need help to stop being shy or coaching to change the old patterns and habits of belief and behavior that are keeping you lonely, reach out!

Interested in other hypnosis videos and self help programs? Got questions? I’m a real guy and I’m here for you with some honest answers so if you’d like to reach out and contact me that’s cool, let’s talk.

Too Shy To Talk To Women

February 17, 2011 by Mark Shepard

Hey guys,

Stephen from Australia wrote to me the other day about his frustration approaching women because he is extremely shy and has a speech disability. One of my suggestions was that he have a poem handy on a card and just hand it to her or write a short note on the spot saying “Hi!”

Check out the previous post: Extremely Shy Around Women

I’ve posted his response, and then my response to his response.

I want you guys to read this and pay attention because it’s not just about Stephen it’s about all of you.

BTW, thank you Stephen for being willing to share your struggle. Please remember all of you that you are not alone. There are millions of you out there suffering. So let’s take some action to get past this phase in your lives okay?

Stephen writes…

Hello Mark, thank you for your advice.

Unfortunately I’m not very good at poetry although I find it easier to express myself when I write because I have more time to think about what I want to say. I’m not really sure how a woman would react if I handed her a piece of paper with poetry or anything else I’ve written on it. She may be turned off by the idea and find it a bit strange. Once I get to know someone I will open up a bit more when I feel comfortable around them. It’s the initialization of getting to know that person that is the difficult part for me. Because of my speech disorder I’m afraid of being rejected as well. The woman might find it more of a burden because I can’t communicate with her properly.

Thanks for your time.

Stephen

Here’s my response…

But you see Stephen that everything you’ve said is something you are projecting. “She may be turned off by the idea and find it a bit strange”

You are not sure of how a woman will react if you hand her a piece of paper with a note or a poem. So? Do it and see what happens. That’s the mind set you need to work on more than anything else. Instead of stopping yourself with “what ifs”, test it out to see.

And so what if she does think it strange? Do it and see what happens. The note could be as simple as,

“Hi I’m kind of shy but I wanted to say hello”

This is the piece you share with a gazillion other guys. Aren’t we all so bored with ourselves? We’re so concerned about what she thinks. And that’s why guys who don’t care about women get all the hotties. Because they are not all hung up on what she thinks. They go for what they want in their lives and if she’s cool with it she’ll come along. If not then that’s okay too. For us “sensitive guys” who were trained by our overprotective mommies to always be nice, it’s so counter intuitive.

Well. You don’t have any control over what she thinks at first. You don’t know what kind of baggage she has. I do know that women WANT MEN TO TAKE THE LEAD. They don’t want to be dominated or bullied or bossed around but they want you to step up and initiate.

She MAY think you’re an asshole but as Ross Jeffries says over and over again, “you need to allow her to have whatever first reaction she has.” Talk to any couple about how they met and a good number of the women say, “I thought he was an asshole at first, but then when I got to know him I found out he was wonderful”

That’s what women do.

They change what they think all the time and then justify it…

But by not being willing to take a risk, you are also taking away the possibility that she may think it’s charming and interesting.

It’s about HER

Let me share a little something with you.

About a year and a half ago I wrote a bunch of little notes and hid them all over the house for my girlfriend to find. You know, in her jewelry box, in her underwear drawer, in the medicine cabinet…a year and a half she still has all those notes in exactly the places I hid them….

What the?

I toss notes out. Women don’t.

Get it through your head that women are different than we are. Stop thinking that she thinks like you do. Start getting bold and wildly experimental.

Every interaction is just a learning opportunity.

And here’s the hard news Stephen and all you other shy guys out there. Please forgive my bluntness but someone has to say it (and believe me I had to realize this for myself too): Ultimately shyness is a form of narcissism. You are so self absorbed that all you worry about is what other people will think about you.

But it’s not about YOU.

It’s about HER. And women are just as narcissistic. They’re all worrying about what YOU are thinking about them. We humans are such bizarre ridiculous creatures! Really we are.

So Stephen and all you other guys reading this. Here is your assignment for this week.

Go out of your house with a pad of “post it notes” or 3/5 cards.
Find a woman who is attractive to you.
Write “hi!” on a note, smile, hand it to her and walk away. Observe and make a note of what happens.
Repeat at least 5 times.
Write to me and report.

I dare you.

I double dare you….

No! I DOUBLE DAWG DARE YOU!

Your friend, Mark

p.s. I just found a great place to meet hundreds of women easily… stay tuned…for the next article/post.

p.p.s Hey Shy Guys! Need help? If you are serious about blasting through this crap that’s been holding you back, consider a one on one session. I do phone sessions with guys all over the world. Maybe you just need a coach. If the main issue is anxiety then you might want to check out Crush anxiety Now.

How to stop being shy around beautiful women

On a more serious note, If you are painfully shy and need help to stop being shy or coaching to change the old patterns and habits of belief and behavior that are keeping you lonely, reach out!

Extremely Shy Around Women In Australia

February 16, 2011 by Mark Shepard

Hey guys, Just got an email from Stephen in Australia who is struggling with a combination of personal challenges that may be affecting you as well.

With his permission I want to answer his questions so we can all benefit.

Hello, my name is Stephen and I am extremely shy when I am around women.

I get very nervous.

Apart form that, I have a speech disorder, which makes it very difficult to talk to anyone. It can be embarrassing and depressing at times. There have been many opportunities to talk to women but because of my nervousness I will not talk to them. I may just say hello and that’s about it because I can’t start a conversation with them.

When I am nervous my speech gets worse.

I truly hate the sound of my own voice when I’m nervous. I suffer from low self esteem and confidence. I have tried speech therapy but that has not helped. I can barely look at myself in the mirror because I don’t think I’m that good looking although some people say that I am. I don’t believe them. If you have any suggestions please feel free to do so.

I have several suggestions for Stephen and all you other painfully shy guys out there. First I’m going to address the “I’m not good looking” challenge.

The truth about “I’m not good looking enough”

Guys, have you ever seen a beautiful woman with an ugly guy?

Of course you have!

I don’t have time here to get into the concept of “Projection” but you are projecting out onto women a criteria that guys use to evaluate whether they are attracted to a woman or not. Guys have that visual thing. Women are wired differently. Guys want a woman who looks a certain way, and while women appreciate a handsome man, the majority of women find other qualities in a man as attractive or more attractive than looks.

The next piece of this is no matter what you look like, you can get some solid advice on how to dress attractively for your body type.

I have a shy guy client who when we first worked together wouldn’t approach women because his abs weren’t quite a washboard. He was a ruggedly good looking guy who, to the casual observer, was pretty damn fit. But in his mind if he didn’t have washboard abs, no woman would want him.

Are you doing something similar?

Are you balding? Skip the “comb-over” and shave it all off! a lot of women find a totally bald guy HOT.
Are you a bit overweight? Tons of women love a “teddy bear” they can wrap their arms around.
Are you color blind and clueless about dressing sharp? Get your butt to a good men’s store and ask for help.

The point I’m trying to make is that your attractiveness starts in your own mind.

And you’ve got to stop thinking that women are as hung up on your looks as you are on her looks. Feel sorry for women that they HAVE to look a certain way to get you to even notice them. That has to suck.

The next point: “I have a handicap.”

For Stephen it’s his speaking disability. But you can see from his question which I’ve reprinted above that he can write articulately. So find a way to turn your disability into a strength.

Stephen, (and you other guys) pay attention: WOMEN LOVE POETRY and the written word.

Most non-shy guys suck at expressing themselves in writing. Most shy guys are smart and creative and often overlook their writing skills as a door to a woman’s heart (and bedroom). If you have opportunities to say hi to women but are too nervous to speak, write them a note and hand it to them. What would you do if you were totally unable to speak?

How about writing a note that says: “Hi, seeing you here today has rendered me speechless… my name is Stephen, you seem like someone I would really enjoy getting to know better… what’s your name?”

Then hand her the writing pad so she can write her answers….

While you’re writing and not speaking, you could also offer to analyze her handwriting. There’s an inexpensive and easy to learn tool called the “Grapho Deck” and it works like a charm.

In general, woman are tremendously more open to guys with handicaps than vice versa. Have you ever seen a handicapped guy with a gorgeous woman? I have.

My dad is an above the knee amputee. He had plenty of girlfriends before he met my mom.
My cousin is a dwarf and he met and married a wonderful woman and they’ve been together for over 25 years.
My brother in law is in a wheel chair and he has tons of hot women doting on him. I love going over to his house just to watch!

If THEY can connect with women… YOU can too.

Your looks are not an excuse. Your handicaps can be turned into chick magnets.

But what about shyness and nervousness?

When you are all nervous and shy around women who are you thinking about? Are you thinking about how to connect with them? How to put them at ease? Are you being curious about them?

Chances are you are focusing on YOU. Chances are you are visualizing her rejecting you. This is where you have to change your focus, change your visualization, change the pictures in your mind.

Notice something about her that you can appreciate. Something that isn’t typical. Not: “Oh you’re so beautiful”. Beautiful women get that all the time. Focus on the interesting necklace she’s wearing. Ask her an open ended question. “That’s an interesting necklace what’s the story behind that?”

If you can’t speak that out loud then write it on a piece of paper and hand it to her.

Finally I want you to consider this: If you hate yourself and are constantly putting yourself down, you number one priority is to clear your self defeating, self hating old patterns. The more you like yourself and the more comfortable you are in your own skin, the more women will find you attractive and seek you out.

In Stephen’s case he’s beating himself up because he can manage to say “hi” but then can’t say anything else. At least he can say hi! When I first started overcoming my own shyness I couldn’t say hi to beautiful women at all. So give yourself a “win”!

One of my first self assignments was to say hi to as many women as possible. If that’s where you are, get started today. You don’t have to do anything more than just say “hi”. Starting a conversation can be the next step.

But no matter what, if you are actually taking action and making progress, however small, you need to keep score of the wins. And anything that remotely looks like a win counts. Any time you learn something or try something new it’s a win. Anytime you get out of your house and make eye contact with a woman. It’s a win,

So here’s your homework assignment Stephan and all you other shy guys who write well but get all stuttery and shut down in the presence of an attractive female:

Write a short poem and have it printed on cards that you carry with you at all times. When you see a woman just give her the poem…

Here’s my version: (feel free to rip this off in any way)

If I could speak…

If I could speak I would tell you…
I could not help but notice you there across the room
There is something about you that causes me to wonder
Who you are underneath all the pretty…

If I could speak…

I would ask you, “What dreams and visions do you hold in your heart?
What songs do you long to dance to?
What secret places do you dream of exploring?”

If I could speak…

I would ask your name and then
I would say it over and over again to remember
my first glimpse of you…

My Name is _________, what’s yours?

I hope some of this helps.

Ultimately shy guys need to remember that women have approach anxiety too. If you focus on HER instead of your own fears and insecurities you just might make HER day.

And how would that feel?

If you are serious about blasting through this crap that’s been holding you back, consider a one on one session. I do phone sessions with guys all over the world. Maybe you just need a coach. If the main issue is anxiety, then consider taking my online course about how to crush anxiety… for good.

If you’ve got the anxiety handled but need specific tools to reach into a woman’s unconscious mind and touch her in a way that she so longs to be touched..I strongly urge you to check out…

How to stop being shy around beautiful women

On a more serious note, If you are painfully shy and need help to stop being shy or coaching to change the old patterns and habits of belief and behavior that are keeping you lonely, reach out!

How to Not Care What a Woman Thinks

October 4, 2010 by Mark Shepard

I get a lot of mail from shy guys who struggle with the rejection monster.

If a woman doesn’t think they are attractive or doesn’t think positive thoughts about them, these guys feel it.

It hurts. It hits them hard.

How do you deal with rejection when approaching a woman? How to deal with the fear of rejection that keeps you from approaching a woman in the first place.

In response to an e-mail I got from Nick today, who specifically asked: “How can I not care what a woman thinks about me?” I wanted to share a few thoughts about dealing with rejection and anticipated rejection.

Dealing with rejection

First of all how do you know what a woman is actually thinking?

You don’t.

Chances are you are doing what we call in NLP a “Mind Read.” The truth is that she is probably not thinking about you at all. That’s actually worse than her thinking you are a jerk because if she is thinking you’re a jerk then at least she is thinking about you and not something or someone else.

Solution?

Imagine her wanting you to introduce yourself.

Imagine her feeling lonely and horny and dreaming of the kind of guy who can truly and deeply connect and touch her the way she has always longed to be touched physically, spiritually, emotionally.

Secondly, in your own mind make yourself huge and tall like the Jolly green Giant…

Using this simple technique make her small and tiny way down below you. Or make yourself into the older wiser adult and her into a young naive girl who doesn’t have a clue.

Notice how that changes the dynamic.

Third, when approaching a woman or group of women, have some questions in mind

The key about the questions you ask is to get them to focus on the realm of dreams, indulgence, fantasy…get out of your own mind. By asking the right question you’ll get their attention tuned in on something fun and interesting that would anchor and trigger positive and even romantic experiences.

Here’s an example…

“Excuse me, can I ask you a question? If you could choose between an all expenses paid trip to Ireland or a trip to a tropical island which would you choose?” Whatever she answers ask “why?”

Your job is not to “grill” her but to get her to move from her everyday mind to the realm of fantasy and daydream where you can both have fun and play.

If it’s a group of women say, “Hey ladies, can I get a female opinion (or woman’s opinion) on something? A friend of mine is trying to decide whether to take his fiance to Ireland or to a tropical island in the Caribbean which is more romantic? What do you think?”

Questions that involve sensual feelings and positive emotions are excellent as well. Whatever they respond with it’s up to you to play with it and expand it. Get them to really see themselves there in their imaginations.

They will link that pleasure to you

If they are experiencing pleasure around you what’s to be afraid of? If she or they can’t go there it’s good information to know because then you don’t want to hang out with her/them.

If you are focused on something other than women thinking badly of you then that will take care of a lot of the problem.

Hope that helps!

Feel free to use the form below to submit any questions you might have. I promise to do my best to answer them as soon as I can.

Check out this out:

How to stop being shy around beautiful women

On a more serious note, If you are painfully shy and need help to stop being shy or coaching to change the old patterns and habits of belief and behavior that are keeping you lonely, reach out!

Getting Rid Of Shyness Around Women

July 21, 2010 by Mark Shepard

What to do when it seems like you’ve tried everything to get over shyness?

Maybe you’ve tried just about everything, like NLP, CBT, Hypnosis, PUA coaching, 3D Mind, Group Therapy, Shamanic Drumming, Chinese water torture etc… You get the idea.

Well, I got an e-mail this morning from a young guy who you may be able to relate to…

Hello Mark,

I’m emailing you because I saw your website and it makes a lot of sense.

I’ll tell a bit about me first: my name is John, I’m 21 years old, I’m not a virgin but I’m very very shy around women, in presentations and even with guys. And I’ve been to a CBT practitioner, 1 hypnotherapist, 1 nlp and hypnotherapist trainer and had sessions with him for over a year. Then I though that I needed to push myself and actually approach so I contacted some PUA instructors in London and went on the street with one for 16 hours during 2 days and it was really really painful to do.

I’ve also done a NLP practitioner course and am doing the Master Practitioner right now, but the thing about NLP is that I know the theory but I’m not getting the results I want.

Last April I did a course with one of Ross Jeffries ex girlfriend called Kim Mcfarland and her partner Tom Vizinni on this method they created called 3D Mind which they say is better then NLP. But I’ve been using it for 7 months and got no results.

And very recently I’ve been reading the book from Bandler called “Get the life you want” which is very clear in how to change beliefs and sub modalities and that’s what I’m going to attempt to do in the next few days (which is similar to what you say in your website)
I’ve also been doing the daily missions of a book by Neil Strauss called “The Rules of the Game” and found it really hard to ask the time or directions to strangers.

The bottom line of this email is that I really really need to get this handled and I’m looking for a way that actually works. Could you please give me your opinion on what I should do to get this handled once and for all?

Regards,

John

Here are a few of my thoughts.

Obviously without working personally with John I can’t do more than make suggestions. I’d be happy to hear from you as well. Use the contact info at the bottom of this article. Now here’s my answer:

Dear John,

Since you have done so much and gotten such little results my question to you is…. What are you “getting” out of not changing?

Since you’ve taken NLP courses you are no doubt familiar with secondary gain. You need to sit down and take some quiet time with a journal and ask your unconscious mind: “Hey unconscious mind, what’s really going on here? What is it you are really trying to do for me?”

Then be quiet and write down whatever comes up.

Every behavior has a positive intention.

Your Unconscious mind is trying to protect you from what it perceives as potentially harmful. I don’t know if you’ve used any Time Line Therapy® techniques to clear the limiting decisions around this area for you or not. If would be worth checking into. There’s usually some decision we’ve made as kids that is underneath this kind of stuff stops us even though we consciously want to move forward. I find that quite often Time Line succeeds where other techniques have not as long as we deal with the issue of secondary gain.

Which can be a bit tricky.

My experience has been that when a person has tried every technique in the world and none of it works, it’s not the techniques. There’s some powerful conflict at the unconscious level that is in operation.

Another thought I have is that the direct Pick Up Approach may not be the best match for you. Personally, even though I now easily say hello to women on the street or wherever, I met my awesome girlfriend through match.com. I just found that talking to random women who happened to look good, wasn’t really the ideal way for me to find the kind of woman who had the personality and the life style values I was looking for. Learning to say “hi” wherever and whenever was definitely helpful in my growth and I still practice it all the time, but…Match.com and other sites like it exist for a reason.

There are a number of skill sets that are required of the dating site approach, but they are easily learnable and you know those women WANT to meet men.

Ross Jeffries pointed out at his recent NYC Speed Seduction Seminar something that is so obvious most of us guys totally miss it: “Women suffer from approach anxiety as much, if not more than shy guys or nice guys.”

Is it possible after all the workshops and 1:1 work that you are still focused on your self and your own fears of rejection rather than on her? Have you tried focusing on a woman and noticing something interesting about her and simply asking her to tell you the story of how she got it? I’m assuming you “get” that right?

Or is that still way out of your comfort zone?

Another approach is to embrace your shyness and use it. There are women out there in the world who are actually discovering that it pays to pursue the shy guy… Google “Shy Guy Help” and notice on the first page of google there are some links to articles written for women about how to snag the shy guy!

The bottom line is: If what you are doing isn’t working then try something else.

Turn it around and find a way to use whatever you are going through to learn and grow…It’s not always a quick fix.By some miracle I got married at age 21 (she picked me up in the college library) after 13 years of marriage, I mustered the courage to leave…hardest thing I ever did…thought I was going to die…that was in 1997. It has taken me dozens of relationships and hard, hard work on myself to get to the place where today I am in an incredible relationship with an amazing woman.

Hopefully your learning curve will be shorter and easier than mine. Just keep in mind that this may be hard work. But it is some of the best work you can do and it’s work that will radiate outwards into every area of your life.

All the best!

Mark

Check out:

How to stop being shy around beautiful women

On a more serious note, If you are painfully shy and need help to stop being shy or coaching to change the old patterns and habits of belief and behavior that are keeping you lonely, reach out!

How To Tell If You’re A Shy Guy

July 20, 2010 by Mark Shepard

I did a bunch of really short videos yesterday addressing the question of “How Do You Know You’re A Shy Guy…

Here are a few of the indicators I came up with… let me know if you have any of your own. I tried to keep it humorous and a bit light since one of the best ways to break through any old pattern is to interrupt it with laughter and a change of attitude. I know this is a source of great pain to many, many shy men as it was to me at one time, so please take this as intended okay?