What to do when it seems like you’ve tried everything to get over shyness?
Maybe you’ve tried just about everything, like NLP, CBT, Hypnosis, PUA coaching, 3D Mind, Group Therapy, Shamanic Drumming, Chinese water torture etc… You get the idea.
Well, I got an e-mail this morning from a young guy who you may be able to relate to…
I’m emailing you because I saw your website and it makes a lot of sense.
I’ll tell a bit about me first: my name is John, I’m 21 years old, I’m not a virgin but I’m very very shy around women, in presentations and even with guys. And I’ve been to a CBT practitioner, 1 hypnotherapist, 1 nlp and hypnotherapist trainer and had sessions with him for over a year. Then I though that I needed to push myself and actually approach so I contacted some PUA instructors in London and went on the street with one for 16 hours during 2 days and it was really really painful to do.
I’ve also done a NLP practitioner course and am doing the Master Practitioner right now, but the thing about NLP is that I know the theory but I’m not getting the results I want.
Last April I did a course with one of Ross Jeffries ex girlfriend called Kim Mcfarland and her partner Tom Vizinni on this method they created called 3D Mind which they say is better then NLP. But I’ve been using it for 7 months and got no results.
And very recently I’ve been reading the book from Bandler called “Get the life you want” which is very clear in how to change beliefs and sub modalities and that’s what I’m going to attempt to do in the next few days (which is similar to what you say in your website)
I’ve also been doing the daily missions of a book by Neil Strauss called “The Rules of the Game” and found it really hard to ask the time or directions to strangers.
The bottom line of this email is that I really really need to get this handled and I’m looking for a way that actually works. Could you please give me your opinion on what I should do to get this handled once and for all?
Here are a few of my thoughts.
Obviously without working personally with John I can’t do more than make suggestions. I’d be happy to hear from you as well. Use the contact info at the bottom of this article. Now here’s my answer:
Since you have done so much and gotten such little results my question to you is…. What are you “getting” out of not changing?
Since you’ve taken NLP courses you are no doubt familiar with secondary gain. You need to sit down and take some quiet time with a journal and ask your unconscious mind: “Hey unconscious mind, what’s really going on here? What is it you are really trying to do for me?”
Then be quiet and write down whatever comes up.
Every behavior has a positive intention.
Your Unconscious mind is trying to protect you from what it perceives as potentially harmful. I don’t know if you’ve used any Time Line Therapy® techniques to clear the limiting decisions around this area for you or not. If would be worth checking into. There’s usually some decision we’ve made as kids that is underneath this kind of stuff stops us even though we consciously want to move forward. I find that quite often Time Line succeeds where other techniques have not as long as we deal with the issue of secondary gain.
Which can be a bit tricky.
My experience has been that when a person has tried every technique in the world and none of it works, it’s not the techniques. There’s some powerful conflict at the unconscious level that is in operation.
Another thought I have is that the direct Pick Up Approach may not be the best match for you. Personally, even though I now easily say hello to women on the street or wherever, I met my awesome girlfriend through match.com. I just found that talking to random women who happened to look good, wasn’t really the ideal way for me to find the kind of woman who had the personality and the life style values I was looking for. Learning to say “hi” wherever and whenever was definitely helpful in my growth and I still practice it all the time, but…Match.com and other sites like it exist for a reason.
There are a number of skill sets that are required of the dating site approach, but they are easily learnable and you know those women WANT to meet men.
Ross Jeffries pointed out at his recent NYC Speed Seduction Seminar something that is so obvious most of us guys totally miss it: “Women suffer from approach anxiety as much, if not more than shy guys or nice guys.”
Is it possible after all the workshops and 1:1 work that you are still focused on your self and your own fears of rejection rather than on her? Have you tried focusing on a woman and noticing something interesting about her and simply asking her to tell you the story of how she got it? I’m assuming you “get” that right?
Or is that still way out of your comfort zone?
Another approach is to embrace your shyness and use it. There are women out there in the world who are actually discovering that it pays to pursue the shy guy… Google “Shy Guy Help” and notice on the first page of google there are some links to articles written for women about how to snag the shy guy!
The bottom line is: If what you are doing isn’t working then try something else.
Turn it around and find a way to use whatever you are going through to learn and grow…It’s not always a quick fix.By some miracle I got married at age 21 (she picked me up in the college library) after 13 years of marriage, I mustered the courage to leave…hardest thing I ever did…thought I was going to die…that was in 1997. It has taken me dozens of relationships and hard, hard work on myself to get to the place where today I am in an incredible relationship with an amazing woman.
Hopefully your learning curve will be shorter and easier than mine. Just keep in mind that this may be hard work. But it is some of the best work you can do and it’s work that will radiate outwards into every area of your life.
All the best!
On a more serious note, If you are painfully shy and need help to stop being shy or coaching to change the old patterns and habits of belief and behavior that are keeping you lonely, reach out!
Interested in other hypnosis videos and self help programs? Got questions? I’m a real guy and I’m here for you with some honest answers so if you’d like to reach out and contact me that’s cool, let’s talk.