Hey guys, Just got an email from Stephen in Australia who is struggling with a combination of personal challenges that may be affecting you as well.
With his permission I want to answer his questions so we can all benefit.
Hello, my name is Stephen and I am extremely shy when I am around women.
I get very nervous.
Apart form that, I have a speech disorder, which makes it very difficult to talk to anyone. It can be embarrassing and depressing at times. There have been many opportunities to talk to women but because of my nervousness I will not talk to them. I may just say hello and that’s about it because I can’t start a conversation with them.
When I am nervous my speech gets worse.
I truly hate the sound of my own voice when I’m nervous. I suffer from low self esteem and confidence. I have tried speech therapy but that has not helped. I can barely look at myself in the mirror because I don’t think I’m that good looking although some people say that I am. I don’t believe them. If you have any suggestions please feel free to do so.
I have several suggestions for Stephen and all you other painfully shy guys out there. First I’m going to address the “I’m not good looking” challenge.
The truth about “I’m not good looking enough”
Guys, have you ever seen a beautiful woman with an ugly guy?
Of course you have!
I don’t have time here to get into the concept of “Projection” but you are projecting out onto women a criteria that guys use to evaluate whether they are attracted to a woman or not. Guys have that visual thing. Women are wired differently. Guys want a woman who looks a certain way, and while women appreciate a handsome man, the majority of women find other qualities in a man as attractive or more attractive than looks.
The next piece of this is no matter what you look like, you can get some solid advice on how to dress attractively for your body type.
I have a shy guy client who when we first worked together wouldn’t approach women because his abs weren’t quite a washboard. He was a ruggedly good looking guy who, to the casual observer, was pretty damn fit. But in his mind if he didn’t have washboard abs, no woman would want him.
Are you doing something similar?
- Are you balding? Skip the “comb-over” and shave it all off! a lot of women find a totally bald guy HOT.
- Are you a bit overweight? Tons of women love a “teddy bear” they can wrap their arms around.
- Are you color blind and clueless about dressing sharp? Get your butt to a good men’s store and ask for help.
The point I’m trying to make is that your attractiveness starts in your own mind.
And you’ve got to stop thinking that women are as hung up on your looks as you are on her looks. Feel sorry for women that they HAVE to look a certain way to get you to even notice them. That has to suck.
The next point: “I have a handicap.”
For Stephen it’s his speaking disability. But you can see from his question which I’ve reprinted above that he can write articulately. So find a way to turn your disability into a strength.
Stephen, (and you other guys) pay attention: WOMEN LOVE POETRY and the written word.
Most non-shy guys suck at expressing themselves in writing. Most shy guys are smart and creative and often overlook their writing skills as a door to a woman’s heart (and bedroom). If you have opportunities to say hi to women but are too nervous to speak, write them a note and hand it to them. What would you do if you were totally unable to speak?
How about writing a note that says: “Hi, seeing you here today has rendered me speechless… my name is Stephen, you seem like someone I would really enjoy getting to know better… what’s your name?”
Then hand her the writing pad so she can write her answers….
While you’re writing and not speaking, you could also offer to analyze her handwriting. There’s an inexpensive and easy to learn tool called the “Grapho Deck” and it works like a charm.
In general, woman are tremendously more open to guys with handicaps than vice versa. Have you ever seen a handicapped guy with a gorgeous woman? I have.
- My dad is an above the knee amputee. He had plenty of girlfriends before he met my mom.
- My cousin is a dwarf and he met and married a wonderful woman and they’ve been together for over 25 years.
- My brother in law is in a wheel chair and he has tons of hot women doting on him. I love going over to his house just to watch!
If THEY can connect with women… YOU can too.
Your looks are not an excuse. Your handicaps can be turned into chick magnets.
But what about shyness and nervousness?
When you are all nervous and shy around women who are you thinking about? Are you thinking about how to connect with them? How to put them at ease? Are you being curious about them?
Chances are you are focusing on YOU. Chances are you are visualizing her rejecting you. This is where you have to change your focus, change your visualization, change the pictures in your mind.
Notice something about her that you can appreciate. Something that isn’t typical. Not: “Oh you’re so beautiful”. Beautiful women get that all the time. Focus on the interesting necklace she’s wearing. Ask her an open ended question. “That’s an interesting necklace what’s the story behind that?”
If you can’t speak that out loud then write it on a piece of paper and hand it to her.
Finally I want you to consider this: If you hate yourself and are constantly putting yourself down, you number one priority is to clear your self defeating, self hating old patterns. The more you like yourself and the more comfortable you are in your own skin, the more women will find you attractive and seek you out.
In Stephen’s case he’s beating himself up because he can manage to say “hi” but then can’t say anything else. At least he can say hi! When I first started overcoming my own shyness I couldn’t say hi to beautiful women at all. So give yourself a “win”!
One of my first self assignments was to say hi to as many women as possible. If that’s where you are, get started today. You don’t have to do anything more than just say “hi”. Starting a conversation can be the next step.
But no matter what, if you are actually taking action and making progress, however small, you need to keep score of the wins. And anything that remotely looks like a win counts. Any time you learn something or try something new it’s a win. Anytime you get out of your house and make eye contact with a woman. It’s a win,
So here’s your homework assignment Stephan and all you other shy guys who write well but get all stuttery and shut down in the presence of an attractive female:
Write a short poem and have it printed on cards that you carry with you at all times. When you see a woman just give her the poem…
Here’s my version: (feel free to rip this off in any way)
If I could speak…
If I could speak I would tell you…
I could not help but notice you there across the room
There is something about you that causes me to wonder
Who you are underneath all the pretty…
If I could speak…
I would ask you, “What dreams and visions do you hold in your heart?
What songs do you long to dance to?
What secret places do you dream of exploring?”
If I could speak…
I would ask your name and then
I would say it over and over again to remember
my first glimpse of you…
My Name is _________, what’s yours?
I hope some of this helps.
Ultimately shy guys need to remember that women have approach anxiety too. If you focus on HER instead of your own fears and insecurities you just might make HER day.
And how would that feel?
If you are serious about blasting through this crap that’s been holding you back, consider a one on one session. I do phone sessions with guys all over the world. Maybe you just need a coach. If the main issue is anxiety, then consider taking my online course about how to crush anxiety… for good.
If you’ve got the anxiety handled but need specific tools to reach into a woman’s unconscious mind and touch her in a way that she so longs to be touched..I strongly urge you to check out…
On a more serious note, If you are painfully shy and need help to stop being shy or coaching to change the old patterns and habits of belief and behavior that are keeping you lonely, reach out!
Interested in other hypnosis videos and self help programs? Got questions? I’m a real guy and I’m here for you with some honest answers so if you’d like to reach out and contact me that’s cool, let’s talk.