I got an email from one of my readers the other day and it poses some significant opportunities for all of us to stop being the victims of our emotional storms related to members of the opposite sex.
Most of us have had someone who we “fancy,” are enamored of, or who we have a “crush” on.
So this article should really be called, “How to CRUSH ‘Crush Anxiety.'” But Let’s get to work, shall we?
“I am very anxious when i think of, talk to or wait for a message from my crush. I even get sick from the stress..i am a middle school student.I can’t fight it..what should i do?? Thanks” – J
Interestingly enough, when I named my first anxiety program I was looking for a powerful positive verb to use in order to stop anxiety. Without realizing that there are folks who use the word “Crush Anxiety” to describe what happens when you get freaked out about a person you have a crush on, I went ahead and called it Crush Anxiety Now.
In order to Stop being crushed by Crush Anxiety, there are 3 areas to focus on (there are probably more but this is a freaking blog post not War and Peace).
First of all…
1. Why are you making this experience mean to you?
If you think of the person you have a crush on and imagine them not caring about you, or not knowing you exist or rejecting you, that will create all of those responses in your neurology as if they are real. Your unconscious mind, which is the source of all your emotions, does not know the difference between what is real and what is imagined.
One of the key things I’ve learned from dating guru Ross Jeffries is there is a subtle mental shift that has to happen if we guys want to be successful with women. Even long term relationship stuff. We have to develop the attitude that: “Any woman I choose to be interested in or spend time with is lucky to be with me.”
It’s not an arrogance thing, it’s a self esteem thing.
What I see happening over and over again with shy guys is that they do this “I’m not worthy” thing in their minds. so of course the women they really want are on a level above them.
This is the first step in personal mastery in EVERY area of your life and my young friend who wrote me about this is in a great place in his life to learn this now. The younger you learn this the better.
The flip side of this equation is again from Ross Jeffries: “Any woman (or girl) who isn’t interested in me is just demonstrating her lack of good taste!”
Again it sounds a bit arrogant but if you take a moment and try this on for size it is a phenomenal tool for success in every area of life. “hey if i express interest in a woman and she’s not into me, that’s just proof that she doesn’t have what it takes to appreciate quality.” it works for those job interviews where you don’t get hired. If you tell yourself “That’s it! No one will ever hire me. They REJECTED me.” you are going to feel very bad.
But if you tell yourself, “Hey they just didn’t appreciate all the qualities I have to bring to the job. Too bad for them. Their loss!” You will have the energy to get back out there and find someone who DOES appreciate your abilities.
It’s the same with those we want to be with romantically. And BTW this goes for all you ladies who write to me as well.
This is a non-gender specific thing.
The second thing is…
2. Are you making this person the only possible partner for you?
In order to do that you have to literally erase the cold hard fact that there are billions and billions of people in this world; half of whom are of the opposite sex. That’s a lot of other possibilities you’re blocking from your awareness.
To my friend “J”, I want to say, “Dude you are only in middle school! Do you seriously think that she’s the only girl you’ll ever be attracted to?”
My suggestion here is to imagine floating out into your future and turning and looking back from your 20’s and see how young and innocent you are right now. Float further out into your future and look back from your thirties and see how many women you’ve had to be with in order to learn about this mysterious race of beings called “women”.
Now go out into your 90’s and look back with fondness for when this seemed so important to you. Trust me, in your 90’s you’ll just be happy to have a decent bowel movement. I mean this with gentleness and sincerity. You’ve got to take charge of your own mind and put this stuff into perspective. I do a lot of this kind of Time Line work in my coaching sessions.
It can really help to get a different view.
At some point…
3. You have to learn how to get over attachment or “fixation” on other people.
Life is full of disappointment.
The only cause of suffering is our attachment. People and things come and go. Nothing is permanent. All the spiritual masters of the world have made this point. Learn to let go when you’re young. You might as well start today.
A good question to ask yourself is, “How am I causing my own suffering in this situation?”
The next question should be, “How can I learn from this and let it go?”
You actually don’t even have to answer the questions. Just ask them and your unconscious mind will do the rest.
You might also ask yourself, “How many other wonderful girls/women have I not been aware of because of my fixation on this one female?” Make a list of all the other interesting, attractive women you can think of in your social circles. Then ask yourself, “how many amazing women have I not even met yet?” Again just consider those questions seriously. It will change your perspective big time.
4. What was it like before you ever met this person?
Seriously.
Imagine the day before you met this girl/woman. Were you devastated because you didn’t know she existed?
No! You weren’t thinking about her because you hadn’t met her yet. Go back there in your mind and see what you saw, feel what you felt and talk to yourself the way you did the day before this chick entered your world. You were fine weren’t you?
The bottom line is that it takes as much energy to make ourselves miserable as it does to make our lives magical. And we are the ones making ourselves feel whatever it is we are feeling, both positive and negative. That knowledge gives you tremendous power. Whatever you have created in your life, you can create more of the same or something better.
Now. All that being said, which guy do you think the most desirable women in the world want to be with?
- The guy who is all twisted up in his guts and worried about what she thinks of him or what she does or doesn’t do…, or
- The guy that is at ease with himself and confident that if a woman he is interested in doesn’t “get” what he has to offer, someone else even hotter will.
Subtle Hint: The answer is #2!
That’s all the time I have left to talk about this today but hopefully that’s enough to get you thinking.
There are a couple of programs that you might find helpful, so here are the links to them:
or
Becoming a more confident guy is not an instant fix. But it can happen a lot faster if you actually get some help along the way.
How to stop being shy around beautiful women
I have years of experience helping people overcome fears, phobias and anxiety. If you can’t even get yourself to talk to a woman, I can help you stop stopping yourself.
Got questions? I have answers and I want you to have them, so…
