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Approach Anxiety

It’s Not Just About Approach Anxiety

by

angry womanOk. Scot Mckay, Author of“Deserve What You Want” and “The Engineer’s Guide To Being Cooler Than The Sales Guy” is on a freaking roll the last few days… Just like my last post, this one is inspired by one of Scot’s newsletter issues.

I’ll get to “why” in just a moment.

One of the reasons a lot of us guys think we are shy is that we fear rejection associated with approaching women and engaging them in conversation… but the reality goes far deeper. It’s not just approaching women that has the potential to mess with our heads, the entire relationship thing is a minefield of potential bad feelings. And particularly dealing with a woman’s ANGER.

Just like a garden slug will alter it’s course to avoid a pile of salt.

We are hardwired to avoid pain

If you’ve linked up pain to any aspect of dating and relationships check this out…. and let me know if you can relate

Does this scenario feel familer?

You finally get up the guts to approach a woman who (gasp!) actually seems to like you. Either she flat out takes the initiative or she makes it easy and safe for you to do it.

So Far So Good….

You two go at and and get into it and in the first blush of love all is groovy…. until suddenly she confronts you about something you did or didn’t do that you had better fix right now ( or kiss sex goodbye).

Maybe you left the toilet seat up. Maybe you burped without covering your mouth. Maybe you said something that you didn’t intend to be offensive but she sure got offended. The ice in the room is palpable. You are suddenly facing an angry woman. But you didn’t do anything to intentionally piss her off.

You think I’m kidding?

In one of my relationships (that lasted a miserable two years) I experienced this:

  • We were getting hot and heavy sexually when she stops and demands that I go wash my hands and scrub under my fingernails because she didn’t want to get an infection. Now, if I was a diesel mechanic,garbage man or undertaker I could understand that but, a. I had just taken a shower. b. I’m a writer, therapist, musician. My hands are usually pretty clean. And I wash them fairly frequently with soap (and I do dishes. Uh huh. Yup). But instead of telling her to go to hell. Or just laughing at her like she was “cute”. I dutifully got up washed my hands… I would do anything to avoid that anger stuff… :o(
  • I was drinking some fizzy vitamin C stuff and it made me burp. I was being silly with the burps and having fun. She was offended and disgusted and told me so in no uncertain terms  So after that I made a serious attempt to cover my burps and be all polite. I should have laughed at her and busted her on it. I should have burped “I love you” right in her face and grabbed her and carried to the bedroom and had my way with her… but shit, I didn’t want to jeopardize sex… so I tried to comply. Big mistake. (we will address compliance tests women give men in a whole other article)
  • We usually ate organic chicken. Expensive but worth it. One day the store was out and since I was there, I got “natural” chicken just this one time…. Boom! that set her off into a tirade and a rant about the abuse of chickens and not being able to trust the labels of grocery store chickens vs. the local chickens from the health food store (that cost $18.00 bucks a pound)….This time I DID tell her she was full of shit and she later apologized. THAT felt good.

The bottom line is, you have that sinking feeling in your gut that makes you want to either run away or do anything you can to make her angry disapproval stop.

So you apologize and make a greater effort to be better next time….(at least that’s what I have always done).

The storm blows over…. for awhile

But maybe at some point you’ve moved in with her. (Her place right?) Now you have to play by her rules and if you don’t she will make you suffer.

Now for how long you put up with this as it gets progressively worse is anyone’s guess. I have gone through similar hell scenarios for years.

Eventually if you are working on your “stuff” and learning how to step into your masculine energy and empowerment, You will start calling her on her shit. That’s good. But it is likely that she will not change. She liked you better when she could boss you around (even though she secretly wished you would exhibit the kind of masculine leadership that she craves.  – subject for another article)

So you eventually step in to your power and leave the relationship.

You break up with her.

She goes in to shock. No guy has ever broken up with HER. She’s the one who is used to dumping guys. She begs you to reconsider… She turns on all the charm again. She is suddenly willing to have sex any way you want it.

This is dangerous territory.

I’ve been sucked back in so many times that I am embarrassed to admit it. But if you stick to your guns you will soon get to experience her being really, really, really pissed off at you.

This is good.

You need practice realizing that it’s not necessarily a bad thing

She will call you every name in the book. She will accuse you of everything that horrible, evil men have ever done to poor innocent women over the centuries. She will HATE you.

And then, you may have a realization after moving out that you are really, really lonely…. and suddenly she’s not mad any more, she realizes what she did that caused you to want to leave and she’s really sorry. She may even apologize and invite you to come over…. or she may show up at your door in tears sobbing that you are “the one”.

“We can make this work!” she’ll say. “I’ll be better.”

and if you aren’t strong you will cave in and get trapped again…. The same pattern will just repeat.

Now.

Sorry to paint such a grim picture. But doesn’t being shy now make so much sense? It protects you from this crap.

Don’t you see that it’s not just about the approach anxiety? It’s about the entire relationship thing. It can be emotionally exhausting and traumatic for a person (male or female) who has any level of sensitivity. For a quiet, shy, introverted, guy this stuff can just blow your circuits and cause havoc with your Halo score… or anything you are into.

But the bright note is this: Once you learn some basic self care tools and have the ability to take charge of your own internal representations of meaning, you can turn any “unpleasant” experience with a woman (or anyone else you perceive of as powerful),  into a vital, transformational experience that leaves you many levels up on everyone else.

Being able to break up with a woman like a man means not being frightened by or sucked in to her anger. It means being gentle but firm. It means taking responsibility for your own shit without wallowing in it.

But here’s where having good approach and conversational skills is vital: It also means that you HAVE to have the tools you need in order to start seeing other women as soon as possible. Because if you have other options that are positive for you, you will  be far less likely to be manipulated by your ex’s guilt trips, anger and tears.

By breaking up with her, you took the initiative in taking care of you. That is some hard shit. Seriously. But you did it!

I started focusing on this phrase: If I truly love myself what would I do? And also, “What would I do if I was a powerful attractive man?”

It’s kind of like “What would Jesus do?” but instead you might want to use a different role model. “What would George Clooney do?” “What would Brad Pitt do?”  Fill in the blank with a guy you admire.

Now to Scot Mckay. He wrote about breaking up in his daily newsletter and I think you might benefit from hearing his thoughts because he is not just about “meeting chicks in bars” like so many other dating coaches.

Scot Mckay is all about how to show up as a man in the highest sense of that word.

And let me admit publicly here that 4 years ago Scot Mckay freaking saved my life. I was in a really crazy relationship that was just destroying me. And I booked a 1 on 1 session with him. It helped me to get free.

And his newsletter this morning helped me to reflect back on the journey I’ve been on, that while not always comfortable or pain free, has enabled me to re-create myself into a person I actually enjoy being with  whether I’m with women or flying solo. :o)

The point that I want to make deep into your unconscious mind is this…

Getting over your shyness or approach anxiety is the “surface issue.”

It seems like such a problem doesn’t it? It seems like it’s the reason you are lonely. But the reality is you never got the manual on how to truly step in to your masculine nature in the best sense of the word. In fact, becoming the kind of man who you truly want to be in all areas of your life is the real issue isn’t it?

If you were the guy you long to be, women would notice wouldn’t they? Your boss would notice. You would be doing what you love to do and being someone you love being.

Every single day.

You would not tolerate bullshit from anyone. Not even a beautiful woman. I dare you to begin and take some kind of action today on your own behalf.

Have a great day!

If NOW is the right time to take action click the button below…

How to stop being shy around beautiful women

Got questions? I have answers and I want you to have them, so…

Let’s talk

Can Questions Stop Approach Anxiety?

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question mark6 600x457I was reading a newsletter article this morning by Scott McKay, Author of “Deserve What You Want” and “The Engineer’s Guide To Being Cooler Than The Sales Guy” which asked the question “Are you too safe?”

Essentially he pointed out the obvious (which often needs to be pointed out), we guys seldom consider that a woman’s top priority when meeting or dating a guy is her safety.

If she doesn’t feel safe with you she isn’t going to be attracted to you.

At all…

HOWEVER, if you are too safe, and offer no adventure, fun, or leadership, she won’t be attracted either.

I know for me personally as a highly sensitive guy, I actually was aware of women’s concerns about pushy, controlling jerks who would “take advantage” of a woman, and be domineering, threatening, even abusive.

I so didn’t want to be that guy that I just made myself totally safe

Read: “BORING.”

But here’s where the law of attraction comes in.

And BTW this is the big Law of Attraction of the Universe. Not just of dating. We are like radio towers. Whatever we are focused on we are broadcasting. If we are focused on what we don’t want, we bring that right in. It takes the same amount of effort to attract what you want as it is to attract what you don’t want.

All those years I was focused on not being a jerk.

I was focused on not being too aggressive. I was focused on being respectful… and I ended up being a safe, passive, boring guy. Women aren’t attracted to that. So I felt rejected. I didn’t want to feel rejected so I retreated and became a “shy guy.” The only women who I ended up being with were really aggressive, pushy, domineering, control freaks…

Exactly what I DIDN’T want.

So instead of focusing on whether you are a good guy or a nice guy or a bad boy or a player or whatever you don’t want to be…

I want to challenge you to take a moment and actually write out a list of who you want to be and “How” you want to be.

For example instead of writing, “I don’t want to creep women out”  or ” I don’t want to be shy and lonely anymore” you would write, “I want to be comfortable and confident in ways that attractive women find attractive.” or ” I want to be the man attractive women want to date or to be in relationship with.”

Once you have found what it is you want, you need to re-word it slightly so that it’s in a “Why” or “How” question (I’ll explain why in a moment).

For example: “Why am I comfortable and confident in ways that attractive women find attractive?” or, “Why am I the man attractive women want to date or be in a relationship with?” or “Why am I in a great relationship?” or “Why am I a great lover?”

Use your imagination here.

Feel free to really speak what you want in these questions

The other option is to use a “how” question:

  • “How can I create the kind of comfort and confidence that attractive women attractive?”
  • “How can I be the man attractive women want to date, (have sex with, be in a relationship with, etc.)?”

I would then recommend you begin to say that to yourself throughout the day. I strongly urge you to write it out by hand at least 10 times a day.

Please do NOT try to consciously answer the question.

Do NOT try to figure out how to make it true. Your unconscious mind will do that outside of your conscious awareness. This is a proven fact. Trust me on this. Sometimes I’ll just ask myself: “Why am I so attractive to the women I’m most attracted to?”

As I go through my day.

Sometimes I keep it really simple: “Why am I so attractive to great women?”

You want to make sure you are specific here because your unconscious mind is also hardwired to follow the path of least resistance.  In other words our unconscious minds are a bit lazy. If you ask  “Why do I make more money today?” without giving a specific dollar amount, your unconscious mind will expand your awareness to notice the penny on the sidewalk.

Seriously. It’s really literal.

So you have to make sure you don’t just say, “Why am I attractive to women?” because while that’s nice, there may be a lot of women in their 80’s who find your 35 year old self “Hot”! Now maybe you’re in your 90’s. That’s cool.

But you just want to be specific as well as simple so your unconscious mind can begin to deliver what it is you really want.

In my soon to be released course “CRUSH Approach Anxiety” I teach multiple ways to literally program your new beliefs and behaviors into your neurology. But this is a good place to start today.

The reason this works

Your unconscious mind is hard wired to seek evidence to support any question you ask.

The thing is your unconscious mind does not know the difference between a good, empowering question and a weak, negative one. Or as I mentioned above, it does not know the difference between a vague general question or a highly targeted and specific one.

Your unconscious mind doesn’t process information like that. Imagine it’s like a robot or a computer. The quality of the command or the data being entered determines the result. It is only doing it’s best to give you what it thinks you want.

Either way our questions become self fulfilling prophecies. What to test this? just take a moment and pay attention to the habitual questions you ask yourself.

If you are anything like me (trust me, I learned this stuff the hard way) you’ve probably been asking, “Why can’t I find women who want to date me?” or “Why am I so shy?” or “Why am I such a loser?” or “How come I’m so shy?”

SOUND EFFECT: Phonograph needle being ripped off of an LP record….. STOP. CANCEL!

Why do you begin today to ask better Precise, Powerful, Positive, questions?

Give it a shot.

Oh, and in the new course I share a secret phrase (yes it’s a question) that is practically guaranteed to improve your life if you make it your new “default” self talk. It will destroy fear of rejection. It will destroy the old pattern of beating yourself up for not saying “hi” to that woman who you’d be curious to get to know…  It is just one tool in a huge arsenal soon to be at your disposal to stop approach anxiety dead in it’s tracks.

The main thing we men need to “get” about women is that they are highly, highly intuitive. They pick up instinctively on what unspoken thoughts we are broadcasting. This is great news because when you change your own thoughts about yourself, women will respond.

And changing your habitual questions to yourself is a key piece of creating the kind of transformation in your life that you know you want.

Now.

Any Questions? Please feel free to use the handy form below to reach out to me and I promise to get back to you as soon as I humanly can!

Why do you have a great day today?

If NOW is the right time to take action click the button below…

How to stop being shy around beautiful women

Got questions? I have answers and I want you to have them, so…

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Why Women AND Shy Men Have Approach Anxiety

by

womanontrain1A friend of mine just sent me a link to an article by a young woman who was “approached” abusively on the subway two different times in the same ride. I also had a conversation with some friends and a waitress last night about guys who hit on waitresses.

So we have to talk a little bit about how attractive women have to deal with unwanted approaches by men.

To you shy guys who are working to overcome your approach anxiety, please read this because you need to know why women don’t just wave you over to start a conversation on the subway or in the park.

I think it’s important for men to read her blog post so that we can truly understand what it’s like on the other end of being approached.

Knowing how to approach a woman

For me, knowing how often attractive women are approached by assholes on a daily basis is one reason I had appraoch anxiety. I knew that her first assumption about me would be that I was like one of those guys and I didn’t want to a. put her in that position and b. to have to overcome her past experiences.

So I just didn’t approach.

Not being able to be relaxed and comfortable because I was holding in my mind a movie of her assuming I was an aggressive asshole, unfortunately broadcast that I was nervous and uncomfortable… Women pick up intuitively on that.

I still think that the fantasy of many men is to be able to walk up to any woman, any time and strike up a conversation that leads to the bedroom in 15 minutes or less.

Does anyone else find that nauseating? And actually downright ridiculous?

That being said, after dropping my shyness and learning how to not project my own fear of rejection outward, I have had some wonderful conversations and moments of creating that delightful spark of easy, comfortable, relaxed conversation with total strangers. Some of them were women.

Like the first really warm day of summer when a beautiful woman in a white sundress crossed the street at the same time as me in Albany NY…. I turned to her and simply said, “You light up this place! Thank you!”  and then continued on my way. I didn’t try to get her number because, it wasn’t appropriate.  But I did break the “stranger silence barrier” giving her that compliment and it lit up MY day. I also knew enough to give the kind of compliment that would set me apart from the “jerks”.

It was cool that she lit up too.

But if I’d insensitively tried to “push” the interaction to some other conclusion it would have spoiled it.

But it starts within you guys. If a woman is showing massive body language of  “I’m reading this book so I don’t have to interact with you or anyone else…” you as a sensitive, aware human can respect that.

That’s why I advocate being friendly and conversational with ALL people. As well as getting our heads out of our asses enough to actually NOTICE what the other person is saying with their words as well as with their BODY language…

I was at a Ross Jeffries workshop and one of the students kept insisting that Ross teach us how to do cold approaches on the street. Ross was like, “what is your problem dude?”  There are a million great places and contexts to meet women where they feel open and safe, where you can practice your conversation skills without having to risk being an annoying jerk. Why would you think that you are going to meet the woman of your dreams walking down the sidewalk in NY city?

If you read the article “How Not To Apprach Women,” there was a moment when she was in a subway car with this crazed guy who was being abusive to her and sitting at the other end of the train car was a small cowering man who seemed equally as afraid.

Instead of leaving her to her fate, like that frightened bystander, I know I have the skills to walk over and sit next to her and support her in dealing with the crazy dude. She would have appreciated some friendly human support. I might have failed in stopping him but I still would have given it a shot. Not with force or violence but with the same internal skills and conversational tools that I learned to meet women appropriately as well as to stop being a target of bullying myself…

I guess ultimately the point I’m trying to make (and I’m probably preaching to the choir here) is that when you show up as a real man, confident, relaxed, open and accepting of where people are, you are a lot more likely to generate confident, relaxed, open and accepting reactions from women.

So if you are at the place where you are ready to practice conversing with strangers, do it respectfully and intelligently.

You are better than these guys who give all of us men a bad name.

Unfortunately, most of the so called dating gurus don’t spend a moment on educating their lonely, horny info product customers about the realities of attractive women and how they have to develop an effective filter mechanism to deal with these unwanted approaches.

I know you are the kind of guy that has a lot to offer quality women.

No one teaches us guys the subtleties of conversing with people we don’t know. That’s why I’m working on a course of my own that will incorporate some of these deeper challenges.

If you’d like to be on the list of guys who get access to the beta test version or have questions please use the handy contact form below.

If NOW is the right time to take action click the button below…

How to stop being shy around beautiful women

Got questions? I have answers and I want you to have them, so…

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Photo by Flickr.com

What Ross Jeffries Gets That Other Dating Gurus Don’t

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Ross Jeffries Home page screen shotI just have to share a quick thought with you this morning. I’m a big fan of Ross Jeffries because he is excellent.

I plug his stuff shamelessly here for several reasons

  1. He models the boldness, brashness and audacity that women secretly love.
  2. He is completely his own man. You may not like him or agree with him on everything he says but he’s not going to change to placate you.
  3. He is DEEP.

I have to admit I was at first a bit resistant to Ross. But after checking out a bunch of other programs for help with breaking the ice and having conversations with women that led to more than “Just Friends”. I was still stuck. I have to admit I was a bit desperate when I decided to check out his basic speed seduction program.

I was blown away by the quality and the power of his approach. I started using his methods and got results right away.

Here’s an example from his blog post today.

The Power Of Letting It Go by Ross Jeffries

“Too often, we are taught that to get something we really want or a change we really want in ourselves, we have to constantly think about it, keeping our “goal” in the front of our mind.

In other words, we’re taught to “get psyched“.

This over-motivation is a load of crap that just keeps people stuck.

You have to find the proper level of motivation to create change, and that involves knowing when to just dismiss it from your mind and let it go.

It’s sort of like baking cookies in an oven.

If you put the dough in the oven but keep opening the oven door every 30 seconds to check if the cookies are done, they will never get finished!

In fact, this constant thinking if you are progressing or not or if it is working is just another form of doubt. You see, “hope” and “doubt” are really the same thing. They both involve uncertainty…”

This is a perfect example of How Brilliantly Ross Jeffries communicates.

In an extremely few words he first identifies a common pattern of thinking that we tend to not question. Then he challenges it, turns it upside down and inside out so we can see what bullshit we’ve been fed all our lives… then he uses a simple illustration (continually checking to see if the cookies are done) which your unconscious mind can literally grab onto to “get” what he’s explaining. He then redefines the limiting pattern or belief and challenges you to take action.

That’s why Ross Jeffries blows the other guys away.

To get  his free newsletter just Let Go Of Your Doubts and click the link below:

If NOW is the right time to take action click the button below…

How to stop being shy around beautiful women

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Overcome Approach Anxiety

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Countless shy men struggle with approach anxiety.

Ultimately one key insight can help you to stop being shy: A shift in focus. Ask yourself this question: When I’m experiencing shyness around women or fear of rejection or approach anxiety, am I focused on the woman I’m attracted to or am I focused on my self?

Watch the video for the full story!

If now is the time to take action click the button below…

How to stop being shy around beautiful women

Got questions? I have answers and I want you to have them, so…

Let’s talk

What Is Approach Anxiety?

by

We hear the term a lot in the world of men, young and old…

Approach Anxiety

What is it? In it’s simplest form it is the anxiety felt by guys at the prospect of walking up to a woman and saying “hi!”.

Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it?

Dating and Seduction Guru Ross Jeffries tells the story of a friend of his who is an Air Traffic Controller. Cool as can be faced with dozens of airplanes full of people flying towards his airport control tower, he is powerful and in control. Put a beautiful woman in front of him and he goes to pieces. Hands tremble. Voice cracks. Feels sick to his stomach. The whole panic attack physiological response as if he is gonna die!

This is so much of a problem that a billion dollar industry was born.

This is great because somehow we guys are brought up in this culture mostly clueless as to how to interact with women in a way that is authentic and comfortable for both sexes.

The guys that seem to get the chicks are in many ways vastly inferior to what many good (but shy) men have to offer. The difference is that the “jerks” don’t really care what women think of them. They aren’t afraid of rejection. So they just wade in to the “shark infested waters” of approaching women and get the job done. Unfortunately they leave a lot of hurt and pissed off women in their wake. But they don’t take it personally because they do not care.

We don’t want to be like those bullies or jerks…

But we still want to be with awesome, hot, sexy women.

The shy guy in contrast to the “jerk”  is standing in the wings worried about what she will think. Worried about what the other people in the immediate vicinity will think. He’s worried about what to say. He’s worried about what not to say. He’s running movies in his mind of her snarling at him or humiliating him or just not responding.

Sometimes overcoming shyness is a painfully long process. But it doesn’t have to be.

One key ingredient in creating a shift in yourself is to examine what you are making things mean. In other words, if you say “hi” to an attractive woman and can’t think of anything else to say, you make it mean you are a “failure” a “loser.” You say harsh and critical things to yourself.

If another guy says “hi” to a woman and then crashes and burns, he pats himself on the back and gives himself credit for making progress.

Does that make sense?

BTW This is a Law of personal transformation. It applies in every area of your life. If you are moving out of your comfort zone and beat yourself up for everything you don’t do perfectly you will never make progress. I see this a lot with the anxiety sufferers I work with (both men and women).  The clients of mine who make the most progress the fastest are quick to learn how to be gentle with themselves in their learning curve.

Think about this. When you were learning to walk, you fell down. A lot. You didn’t curse yourself out or get depressed. You just freaking got back up and gave it another shot.

That’s a key point.

How can you take “baby steps” with this approach anxiety stuff that has your guts all twisted around?

One place to start is by saying “hi!” to everyone. And I mean EVERYONE. Everywhere you go. Make it a practice to say “hi”. Keep a record of how many times you said hi each day.

Once you get to the place where you can comfortably be the guy who is friendly to everyone.

If you can’t get yourself to say “hi” then you need some one on one coaching from me or you may need to get my Crush Anxiety program and learn the 7 key techniques that can blast any kind of anxiety (not just approach anxiety) in a few short minutes.

The bottom line is that you do not have to be miserable and alone. You can stop suffering today. So take some positive action step right now. Today. It’s simple. Just say “hi”…

If you are reading this in a coffee shop get up off your butt and go say “hi” to somebody right now.

Got it? Good. Do it.

If NOW is the right time to take action click the button below…

How to stop being shy around beautiful women

Got questions? I have answers and I want you to have them, so…

Let’s talk