You can argue for your limitations, or you can embrace your own magnificence.
I met an amazing woman recently on match.com.
She was unique and fascinating. We had so much in common. She had these pics up on her profile of her riding a beautiful black stallion while she was dressed up as a Viking or Valkarie or Amazon woman warrior. Wow! I was intrigued.
She loved books. We had so much in common.
She was a deep dreamer and a profound thinker. Our first date sped by. We had coffee. Then went for a walk in downtown New Haven. I took her to some of my favorite places.
I’ve been on enough dates by now to know when a woman is interested. She seemed genuinely interested. The conversation flowed freely. We shared dreams we’d had…We ended up having dinner at a cute little Thai Restaurant.
When she left. I felt like:
“Wow! I finally met someone who is truly worth my time. Someone who I could imagine spending the rest of my life with. Someone who I could really and truly be my self with.Someone who is different from all the boring little suburban 40 something chicks on Match.com”
I couldn’t sleep that night.
I called her for another date and she agreed to the following Monday which was Memorial day.
I went away for the weekend to visit my Dad and I just couldn’t wait to get back to get to know this incredible woman more. I just wanted to spend time with her. To hear her life story. To connect on deep and profound levels.
She canceled. Something about forgetting that she had a standing date on Memorial day with her Dad. Well since I had just spent the weekend with my Dad I could certainly understand…but I was really disappointed. I was kind of crushed. I had this amazing fantasy date all lined up in my mind…
Smack! Wake up Call!
I realized I was way, way farther ahead in my fantasy land of “True Love” then she was.
So I managed it and asked her about the following Saturday.
Her reply was vague. “I have to look at my calendar”
Hmm. (danger Markie!)
Then the next communication I had from her was that she needed some time to herself to ponder some things. “It has nothing to do with you” she said.
My advice to any of my shy guy clients at this point would be to take charge of your emotions. Pay attention to what you are doing with your internal representations: Your self talk, your pictures, where in your body you are feeling your emotions. (In NLP we call this submodalities click here to learn more about my Modern Jedi NLP Mind Mastery Course where you can learn all about this)
At this point I realized I had to do my NLP “Fall out of Love Fast” technique. Here’s how I run this pattern. Please keep in mind how you “do” falling in love is a process unique to you but this will give you and idea of what’s possible.
Step 1: Checked in with my internal screen and noticed her picture was big and bright and close and in the center of my internal screen.
Again, remember, however you represent to yourself that you are in love is the way YOU do it. This is what I do.
Step 2: So I shrank her down and moved her towards the lower left hand corner of my internal screen, where I keep the images of women who I used to be madly in love with but who I’m just friends with now.
I didn’t shrink her all the way down to Mary Jane in 7th grade or to my ex wife. Just shrank the pic enough to get my head out of my own butt and get a little distance and perspective on this person.
Step 3: Repeat as necessary.
Did this a few times and I felt better and less urgently yearning for this woman. Whew…
To make a long story short. We eventually did have another date and she proceeded to tell me how screwed up her life was. I felt my attraction dropping…dropping…dropping…
And so I continuously monitored my internal state and managed to turn the whole thing into a learning experience.
At one point she told me point blank: “I don’t know why, but I just don’t feel attracted to you.” She was even afraid to tell me because she didn’t want to crush my little heart. But I was way ahead of her. By that time I couldn’t care less if she liked me or not. She had basically disqualified herself.
As Ross Jeffires says: “I never get rejected. I only discover whether a woman has good taste or not.”
When you take charge of your emotions you are in control. Now it took me a little while to get back into a neutral state. But I did it.
In the past I would have been a mess for weeks and even months.
So I learned some things. And I think that’s really the main point I’m trying to get across to you guys. No matter what happens with any particular woman if you use it to learn and grow then it gives you power.
God bless all women! For they are a gift to men who chose to grow and learn and to hone their warrior spirits on the sharpening stone of love.
- If any woman does not prove herself to be worthy or if she’s not at the same place in life that you are, shrink her down and mover her aside or whatever you need to do in your internal world so that you are not drooling and making her out to be the last woman on earth. “The One” is a Very Dangerous construct because it builds expectations and can lead to that horrible crash when you discover you’ve been dating your own fantasy…
- Also, I’ve noticed when I voice my enthusiasm for a woman too soon, it seems to scare them. The women I’ve been kind of luke warm with, seem to want to play by my rules more. They try to prove themselves to me. It seems so stupid but it is part of all of these ancient and immutable “laws” that govern human behavior. More about that in another post.
- I also stepped up my “being friendly to women on the street and in other places” practice so that I could definitely feel like I had lots of options.
- I also began to focus back on the other women I’m dating and paying attention to their many great qualities. I hung out with one of them on a Tuesday evening and we had great sex and a great talk about how we really enjoy each other’s company but don’t want to make any long term commitments at the moment etc.
Even though I temporarily fell out of my place of personal power with this woman. I am happy because I got back to it and I also allowed it to die an early death rather than jump into a relationship with an attractive but flaky and emotionally unstable woman.
Here are a couple of affirmations for you:
- Why do I choose the women in my life?
- Why do I stay in my place of benevolent power in my relationships with women?
- Why do I choose to learn from any and every experience with women and to focus on the positive learnings?
Now get out there and say “hi” to at least 3 women every day.
The really important thing is just to be fully aware that you can realize the change you’re looking for…
And here’s how
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