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Dating

It’s Not Just About Approach Anxiety

by

angry womanOk. Scot Mckay, Author of“Deserve What You Want” and “The Engineer’s Guide To Being Cooler Than The Sales Guy” is on a freaking roll the last few days… Just like my last post, this one is inspired by one of Scot’s newsletter issues.

I’ll get to “why” in just a moment.

One of the reasons a lot of us guys think we are shy is that we fear rejection associated with approaching women and engaging them in conversation… but the reality goes far deeper. It’s not just approaching women that has the potential to mess with our heads, the entire relationship thing is a minefield of potential bad feelings. And particularly dealing with a woman’s ANGER.

Just like a garden slug will alter it’s course to avoid a pile of salt.

We are hardwired to avoid pain

If you’ve linked up pain to any aspect of dating and relationships check this out…. and let me know if you can relate

Does this scenario feel familer?

You finally get up the guts to approach a woman who (gasp!) actually seems to like you. Either she flat out takes the initiative or she makes it easy and safe for you to do it.

So Far So Good….

You two go at and and get into it and in the first blush of love all is groovy…. until suddenly she confronts you about something you did or didn’t do that you had better fix right now ( or kiss sex goodbye).

Maybe you left the toilet seat up. Maybe you burped without covering your mouth. Maybe you said something that you didn’t intend to be offensive but she sure got offended. The ice in the room is palpable. You are suddenly facing an angry woman. But you didn’t do anything to intentionally piss her off.

You think I’m kidding?

In one of my relationships (that lasted a miserable two years) I experienced this:

  • We were getting hot and heavy sexually when she stops and demands that I go wash my hands and scrub under my fingernails because she didn’t want to get an infection. Now, if I was a diesel mechanic,garbage man or undertaker I could understand that but, a. I had just taken a shower. b. I’m a writer, therapist, musician. My hands are usually pretty clean. And I wash them fairly frequently with soap (and I do dishes. Uh huh. Yup). But instead of telling her to go to hell. Or just laughing at her like she was “cute”. I dutifully got up washed my hands… I would do anything to avoid that anger stuff… :o(
  • I was drinking some fizzy vitamin C stuff and it made me burp. I was being silly with the burps and having fun. She was offended and disgusted and told me so in no uncertain terms  So after that I made a serious attempt to cover my burps and be all polite. I should have laughed at her and busted her on it. I should have burped “I love you” right in her face and grabbed her and carried to the bedroom and had my way with her… but shit, I didn’t want to jeopardize sex… so I tried to comply. Big mistake. (we will address compliance tests women give men in a whole other article)
  • We usually ate organic chicken. Expensive but worth it. One day the store was out and since I was there, I got “natural” chicken just this one time…. Boom! that set her off into a tirade and a rant about the abuse of chickens and not being able to trust the labels of grocery store chickens vs. the local chickens from the health food store (that cost $18.00 bucks a pound)….This time I DID tell her she was full of shit and she later apologized. THAT felt good.

The bottom line is, you have that sinking feeling in your gut that makes you want to either run away or do anything you can to make her angry disapproval stop.

So you apologize and make a greater effort to be better next time….(at least that’s what I have always done).

The storm blows over…. for awhile

But maybe at some point you’ve moved in with her. (Her place right?) Now you have to play by her rules and if you don’t she will make you suffer.

Now for how long you put up with this as it gets progressively worse is anyone’s guess. I have gone through similar hell scenarios for years.

Eventually if you are working on your “stuff” and learning how to step into your masculine energy and empowerment, You will start calling her on her shit. That’s good. But it is likely that she will not change. She liked you better when she could boss you around (even though she secretly wished you would exhibit the kind of masculine leadership that she craves.  – subject for another article)

So you eventually step in to your power and leave the relationship.

You break up with her.

She goes in to shock. No guy has ever broken up with HER. She’s the one who is used to dumping guys. She begs you to reconsider… She turns on all the charm again. She is suddenly willing to have sex any way you want it.

This is dangerous territory.

I’ve been sucked back in so many times that I am embarrassed to admit it. But if you stick to your guns you will soon get to experience her being really, really, really pissed off at you.

This is good.

You need practice realizing that it’s not necessarily a bad thing

She will call you every name in the book. She will accuse you of everything that horrible, evil men have ever done to poor innocent women over the centuries. She will HATE you.

And then, you may have a realization after moving out that you are really, really lonely…. and suddenly she’s not mad any more, she realizes what she did that caused you to want to leave and she’s really sorry. She may even apologize and invite you to come over…. or she may show up at your door in tears sobbing that you are “the one”.

“We can make this work!” she’ll say. “I’ll be better.”

and if you aren’t strong you will cave in and get trapped again…. The same pattern will just repeat.

Now.

Sorry to paint such a grim picture. But doesn’t being shy now make so much sense? It protects you from this crap.

Don’t you see that it’s not just about the approach anxiety? It’s about the entire relationship thing. It can be emotionally exhausting and traumatic for a person (male or female) who has any level of sensitivity. For a quiet, shy, introverted, guy this stuff can just blow your circuits and cause havoc with your Halo score… or anything you are into.

But the bright note is this: Once you learn some basic self care tools and have the ability to take charge of your own internal representations of meaning, you can turn any “unpleasant” experience with a woman (or anyone else you perceive of as powerful),  into a vital, transformational experience that leaves you many levels up on everyone else.

Being able to break up with a woman like a man means not being frightened by or sucked in to her anger. It means being gentle but firm. It means taking responsibility for your own shit without wallowing in it.

But here’s where having good approach and conversational skills is vital: It also means that you HAVE to have the tools you need in order to start seeing other women as soon as possible. Because if you have other options that are positive for you, you will  be far less likely to be manipulated by your ex’s guilt trips, anger and tears.

By breaking up with her, you took the initiative in taking care of you. That is some hard shit. Seriously. But you did it!

I started focusing on this phrase: If I truly love myself what would I do? And also, “What would I do if I was a powerful attractive man?”

It’s kind of like “What would Jesus do?” but instead you might want to use a different role model. “What would George Clooney do?” “What would Brad Pitt do?”  Fill in the blank with a guy you admire.

Now to Scot Mckay. He wrote about breaking up in his daily newsletter and I think you might benefit from hearing his thoughts because he is not just about “meeting chicks in bars” like so many other dating coaches.

Scot Mckay is all about how to show up as a man in the highest sense of that word.

And let me admit publicly here that 4 years ago Scot Mckay freaking saved my life. I was in a really crazy relationship that was just destroying me. And I booked a 1 on 1 session with him. It helped me to get free.

And his newsletter this morning helped me to reflect back on the journey I’ve been on, that while not always comfortable or pain free, has enabled me to re-create myself into a person I actually enjoy being with  whether I’m with women or flying solo. :o)

The point that I want to make deep into your unconscious mind is this…

Getting over your shyness or approach anxiety is the “surface issue.”

It seems like such a problem doesn’t it? It seems like it’s the reason you are lonely. But the reality is you never got the manual on how to truly step in to your masculine nature in the best sense of the word. In fact, becoming the kind of man who you truly want to be in all areas of your life is the real issue isn’t it?

If you were the guy you long to be, women would notice wouldn’t they? Your boss would notice. You would be doing what you love to do and being someone you love being.

Every single day.

You would not tolerate bullshit from anyone. Not even a beautiful woman. I dare you to begin and take some kind of action today on your own behalf.

Have a great day!

If NOW is the right time to take action click the button below…

How to stop being shy around beautiful women

Got questions? I have answers and I want you to have them, so…

Let’s talk

Back In Action After A Break Up

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starting over2 croppedI don’t know if you’ve ever experienced a parting of ways with a woman who you dearly cared about and loved. Maybe you looked great on paper as a couple but there was one thing that was a deal breaker for either her or you or both of you.

No matter how much love you have for someone chances are you will experience a break up at some point in your life. If you actually do the deep inner work as a man that will make you attractive to the kinds of women you want, you will actually experience this more.

Part of the “benefit” of being a shy guy and staying on the sidelines of life, is that…

It seems safer

And it might be. But on your death bed, looking back over your life, will you savor your time alone on the edge of the dance floor? Or will you savor the memories of the great sex and intense romantic encounters you had through out your life?

Personally, after a wonderful 2 and a half year relationship with a beautiful, sexy woman, I am now “back in action.”

We got along well in so many ways, we learned a lot. We laughed a lot. And the sex just kept getting better and better. Yet, as we continued to work on communicating openly and honestly with each other we hit a deal breaker. And so over the past two months we separated. It was a bit of a rollercoaster for both of us.

But the bottom line is that we really and truly each did our best to give it our all. There is still a huge amount of love there. The lesson is that we ultimately both loved ourselves enough to not settle or compromise in this one area.

Now.

If you are one of my readers who has never even been with a girl or woman, you just have to face the fact that Love is a Learning Curve. Really. The sooner you get started the sooner you will get the experience that the highest quality women demand.

There are no men or women who are in happy, healthy relationships today who didn’t experience the learning curve. There are no happy and healthy relationships that don’t have challenges. There are no happy and healthy couples who haven’t experienced heartbreak.

What you make it all mean is the crucial thing here

In NLP (neuro linguistic Programming) we call it “reframing” You take something in your life that appears “bad” and you flip it on it’s head so that it is “good.”

Another NLP concept that applies to dating and relationships is: “There is no failure, only feedback.”

So, for me, while I feel the sadness of this ending. There is also the opportunity to take my level of mastery with myself, women, dating, sex, relationships and even breaking up, to new levels. Fortunately I have done enough work in this area to realize that I have plenty of options and opportunities, I also have skills now that I couldn’t even imagine having 10 years ago.

(also guys, keep in mind that as you add experience in this area of your life, you become even more attractive to women).

One of my key resources is Ross Jeffries.

Recently I stumbled upon a new source of empowerment and skill building for men around dating. His name is Josh Pellicer and he has done what no-one else has. True to his own NLP training, he modeled what works with women both in evening or night situations like bars and clubs as well as places to meet women during the day and created an easy to follow system that takes the bewildering guesswork out of meeting women.

In my opinion he got it right.

In the last month or so I’ve pretty much bought every thing the guy sells and have immersed myself in it to the point where just walking in to a room is triggering attraction. He also has a clear and precise system for dating more than one woman at a time. This is crucial because if you only date one woman at a time, it slows down your learning curve.

And none of us has enough time to experience what we need to to discover what really works for us, what kinds of women are right for us and how to be in relationship ethically and honestly unless we can actually practice! By meeting and dating more women you boost your learning rate.

Does that make sense?

If NOW is the right time to take action click the button below…

How to stop being shy around beautiful women

Got questions? I have answers and I want you to have them, so…

Let’s talk

Photo above by www.Flickr.com

What Ross Jeffries Gets That Other Dating Gurus Don’t

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Ross Jeffries Home page screen shotI just have to share a quick thought with you this morning. I’m a big fan of Ross Jeffries because he is excellent.

I plug his stuff shamelessly here for several reasons

  1. He models the boldness, brashness and audacity that women secretly love.
  2. He is completely his own man. You may not like him or agree with him on everything he says but he’s not going to change to placate you.
  3. He is DEEP.

I have to admit I was at first a bit resistant to Ross. But after checking out a bunch of other programs for help with breaking the ice and having conversations with women that led to more than “Just Friends”. I was still stuck. I have to admit I was a bit desperate when I decided to check out his basic speed seduction program.

I was blown away by the quality and the power of his approach. I started using his methods and got results right away.

Here’s an example from his blog post today.

The Power Of Letting It Go by Ross Jeffries

“Too often, we are taught that to get something we really want or a change we really want in ourselves, we have to constantly think about it, keeping our “goal” in the front of our mind.

In other words, we’re taught to “get psyched“.

This over-motivation is a load of crap that just keeps people stuck.

You have to find the proper level of motivation to create change, and that involves knowing when to just dismiss it from your mind and let it go.

It’s sort of like baking cookies in an oven.

If you put the dough in the oven but keep opening the oven door every 30 seconds to check if the cookies are done, they will never get finished!

In fact, this constant thinking if you are progressing or not or if it is working is just another form of doubt. You see, “hope” and “doubt” are really the same thing. They both involve uncertainty…”

This is a perfect example of How Brilliantly Ross Jeffries communicates.

In an extremely few words he first identifies a common pattern of thinking that we tend to not question. Then he challenges it, turns it upside down and inside out so we can see what bullshit we’ve been fed all our lives… then he uses a simple illustration (continually checking to see if the cookies are done) which your unconscious mind can literally grab onto to “get” what he’s explaining. He then redefines the limiting pattern or belief and challenges you to take action.

That’s why Ross Jeffries blows the other guys away.

To get  his free newsletter just Let Go Of Your Doubts and click the link below:

If NOW is the right time to take action click the button below…

How to stop being shy around beautiful women

Got questions? I have answers and I want you to have them, so…

Let’s talk

No Arms No Legs No Approach Anxiety

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Here’s a video I first saw posted by Ross Jeffries blog, and I found it on YouTube.

I think you owe it to yourself to watch it. It’s short. It’s encouraging. It makes a point that I think you need to hear more than anything else. It’s not about your clothes, your car or even your “game,” it’s about what’s going on In your mind.

If you are painfully shy and need help to stop being shy or coaching to change the old patterns and habits of belief and behavior that are keeping you lonely, reach out! Maybe Ross isn’t the right coach for you.

Maybe I’m the right coach for you.

How to stop being shy around beautiful women

You’ll never know unless you actually decide to do something and take action.

Got questions? I have answers and I want you to have them, so…

Let’s talk

For Women: How To Decipher The Shy Guy

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blueblondGot a great email this morning from Oslo, Norway!

For my shy guy readers: You definitely need to read this whole article so you can get it through your thick heads that a lot of chicks DIG you!

For the ladies: check out some thoughts and tips and resources for actually landing one of us (cuz we’re pretty amazing even if we don’t have all that “pick up” stuff down that those “bad boys” have)

Here’s the email:

I understand this is a site for shy guys, but do you have any advice, or can you point me to some helpful internet sites, for women who are trying to “decipher” the shy man?

Because I am really confused. I started to get to know this wonderful but very shy guy at work. We were slowly going forward, he was making more eye contact, waiting for me to approach him on the subway, walking together and small talking on our way to work. Then suddenly, after nearly 4 weeks of vacation (his), it’s back to awkward.

Stupid thing is, it’s contagious, so now I’ve lost my guts to keep coming by his office and doing the regular small talk. A couple of mornings, he’s actually run ahead of me right before I got to say hello.

I feel stupid but sad too, afraid that I’ve insulted or hurt him. I’ve only been nice, sweet and social towards him and have tried to get to know him better because I like him and find him interesting and attractive.

I understand that he is very shy, so I have been quiet about this around our colleagues, not making any scenes.

Now what do I do?

Sincerely,

Frustrated in Oslo

Here is my response…

Dear Frustrated in Oslo,

Here are a few of my immediate thoughts:

  1. Definitely good to not talk about this to colleagues. Definitely keep that up.
  2. Secondly, think about approaching your shy guy a bit like you would a wild animal. You have to be patient. Give him some space and then begin again from where you first started. Chances are he thinks HE said or did something stupid and freaked himself out.
  3. What is he good at? Can you ask him for help with something? I know it’s a classic. But a lot of shy guys are blisteringly smart and good at stuff women aren’t good at. Like fixing things. Unfortunately a lot of women just use them for this and I know as a shy guy I got put in the “Let’s just be friends” zone a lot when I wanted to be more than just a handy man. In the guy’s mind helping a woman can get attraction going and give him something to say because he goes “blank” a lot around women. So be subtle but give that a shot.
  4. The other suggestion is one I give to shy guys all the time regarding women. I think it works both ways. Make sure he is not the only prospect you have for potential romance. That takes pressure off of both of you. When you realize you have other options, you will be more relaxed which will enable you to not have so much attachment to whether or not you are doing the right thing around him.
  5. Another thought I have is one I often share with my shy guy clients and is one of Seduction Guru Ross Jeffries key concepts. Approach with the idea that you are there to learn something. Whatever happens you get to learn and grow. If something doesn’t work, just try something else. If this guy was a wild horse who had been badly spooked or hurt in the past, you wouldn’t take it personally if it didn’t trot right up to you after your first attempt to approach. Keep that mind set here.
  6. If he doesn’t wake up or open up, let go and move on. It’s not about you. A lot of us shy guys have our heads so far up our butts that we can’t even see you out there looking all pretty and seductive for us…

That’s all I’ve got for right now. I may revisit this topic as more thoughts come to me. But hopefully that’s a start.

For you Ladies (aka “Shy Guy Whisperers”), here are a few links that might help you a bit with the shy guy. You shy guys should read them too. I’ll explain why below…

Okay, why is this important for you shy guys to read up on?

  1. EXPLOSIVE REVELATION:  Women DIG shy guys! (duh!)
  2. You don’t have to become that swaggering, misogynistic asshole who you think you have to be to get all the hotties.
  3. If you could get your heads out of your butts long enough to notice, you’d actually notice that there are some amazing women NOTICING…. YOU!

I hope you are not offended by my describing you shy guys as having your heads up your butts. But I WAS you. I know this is true.

I’ve said it on many other occasions:
Shyness is being overly concerned with what other people think about you.

Most of the time those other people haven’t even noticed you exist!

Bulletin: You have a lot of amazing qualities that women value. Here’s proof from one of those articles above that you probably didn’t go and read like I told you to:

Ah, the Shy Guy: that rare specimen of man who you’ll never overhear  talking bragging about some meaningless hook-up. You won’t find him at parties or see him hamming it up for the ladies. He’s sweet, modest and avoids being the center of attention at ALL costs. Odds are, he’ll be the one sitting in the back of class, avoiding eye contact with the professor when he or she scans the room for a volunteer.

He’s pretty much adorable, really. Mysterious, intriguing, sensitive, endearing … a diamond in the rough (“the rough” being the obnoxious, macho guys that are just way too common in college). Shy guys are hot. Think Michael Cera. Mmmm.

Read the whole article here: How To Crack The Shy Guy

Is this thing on?

Anyway  now that I’m done ranting… I’d like to humbly ask you guys for some advice for the young lady in Oslo Norway who so kindly gave me permission to share her email.

What do YOU think she should do to get this shy guy she is sweet on to respond to her?

Please leave a comment below and I’ll make sure she gets it!

If the main issue is anxiety then you might want to check out Crush anxiety Now.

How to stop being shy around beautiful women

And if you are painfully shy and need help to stop being shy or coaching to change the old patterns and habits of belief and behavior that are keeping you lonely, reach out!

Interested in other hypnosis videos and self help programs? Got questions? I’m a real guy and I’m here for you with some honest answers so if you’d like to reach out and contact me that’s cool, let’s talk.